


What makes life worthwhile

by LarytaDaftJustice



Category: Justice (Band)
Genre: Falling In Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2017-12-29 13:24:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 32,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1005950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LarytaDaftJustice/pseuds/LarytaDaftJustice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xavier is a college student who feels tired about his routine and needs to find something to make him feel he has a reason to keep on moving. He has a group of friends who act like a family due to be the only way they have found to survive to their personal problems.<br/>Helping each other, they may get to overcome the obstacles in their lives and Xavier may find a new way to contemplate things with their support and some new people who will come into his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Imperceptible spark

The first time he saw him was in a rainy day. A day like any other. People walked past them without paying attention to the ones around them, and they barely noticed each other. Just a quick glance, their eyes met for one second. Something clicked, but they didn't know what. Nothing changed on the outside, but a really tiny piece of their souls did. In that moment it was nothing, a spark igniting a little fire in a room full of ice. It seems like something that will die soon, but sometimes, a little spark it's all you need to make a change.

 

That day started like any other. Like always, he wanted to scream because of that, but (like always) he didn't. He took the bus to college and found a sit on the back. The rain, despite of hitting the window with a lot of strength, couldn't hide the city behind the glass. Everything seemed to be gray under the cloudy sky, or maybe it was his own imagination. When you feel numb and empty, when you feel like you have no color, everything around you feels the same. He closed his eyes, the copious sound making him feel sleepy.

The ride ended soon, he stepped out of the vehicle and started to walk, immediately getting soaked, but he couldn't care less. He stopped at a corner and waited for the traffic light to change. That's when it first happened. His gaze started to travel through the people around him and fell, for a brief moment, over a young man that was standing on the opposite corner. The guy was tall and skinny. Curly hair falling over his shoulders. A beard that tried to hide a pair of soft-looking lips. A couple of big, tired eyes that happened to be staring back at him.

They were the only ones that weren't trying to protect themselves from the storm. For some reason he felt a wave of interest for this guy, a really strange thing because he was always trying to avoid new people. His heart started beating just a little bit faster. The light changed to green and they walked straight to each other, the man dodged him at the last moment and they kept on walking to their current destinations without looking back.

 

 

It was the second day of classes and for the third year in this college he could swear he didn't know why he was studying graphic design. Yes, he liked it, but he couldn't picture himself living his whole life doing it. He made his way to the caffeteria, avoiding looking anybody in the eyes while the crowded hallways filled with eager students.  
He sighed and looked up when he finally found his usual spot next to the large window, coffee in hand. He spent five minutes alone, staring at the little drops in the glass, and then at the sky. For some reason it always felt good to look up at the large extension of universe above his head. But most of the times he wasn't actually looking at it, he was searching to see a plane. He loved to see those gigantic birds made of metal, crossing the sky. For him, they represented the freedom that he didn't have.

\- Bonjour. - A familiar voice whispered in his ear and he tried to pull out his best smile.

Thibaut, his best friend, was a skinny boy. He had let his beard grow those last weeks and Xavier was always joking about him trying to be some kind of a modern personification of Jesus.

\- Hey - He answered, as his friend sat in front of him by the table.

\- What's wrong? - Thibaut had his own coffee in hand and sipped at it without taking his eyes off of him.

\- What do you mean?

\- Come on, Xavier. I know you since, when? Kindergarten? I know something is wrong. - Xavier sighed and looked out the window again. - Or maybe it's just the usual?

He looked back at his friend and nodded.

\- I'm not complaining... I'm just... Bored... I feel numb.

\- You don't like to live in here?

\- It's not that... I... - Xavier stopped to think for a second, he was so far gone all the time that when he had to interact with people it was difficult, even with Thibaut. - I wish I could travel. Just to feel like I'm doing something different, I feel trapped... But, most of all, I feel... Empty.

\- Like something's missing, right? - His friend touched his beard in deep thought. - You know what you need?

\- To get enough money and get away from here?

\- No... - Thibaut laughed and pressed a finger on the table. - That's what you WANT, not what you NEED. - Xavier frowned. - You need to do something you're passionate about... And maybe... Maybe... You need to find someone you're passionate about too.

\- Ugh, not that corny shit again!

\- Love changes your life!

\- Thibaut! You know how I feel about love... It's useless and it always ends up wrong. - Xavier gulped the rest of his coffee- Actually, it always ends up, to begin with. Why would I spent my time and energy in something that I know it will end at some point?

His friend shrugged.

\- Why would you spend your time and energy in life then? It will end up at some point too.

Xavier raised an eyebrow.

\- That's a good question.

Thibaut laughed again.

\- Don't be stupid, listen. Someday you'll find someone who will be worth it and you'll understand.

They both stood up to go to class together.

\- You mean like Christopher, who's been your friend for five years without noticing how madly in love you are with him?

Thibaut punched him in the arm.

\- Shut up, asshole. - He laughed but immediately looked serious and suddenly smiled, like he always did when he was thinking about Chris. - He'll notice it someday, you'll see.


	2. Little changes

The next day he went to his favorite record store, the one that one of his best friends inherited after the death of his father. The same old record store, in his same old neighborhood. Everything was always so predictable, so boring. He was stuck in routine, in the same indifferent faces. He could be lying on the floor, in the middle of the street and no one would care about him. His friends were the only thing in his life that usually made him feel better. But sometimes, even surrounded by them, he felt lonely and sometimes he wanted to be alone. Something annoyed him. It didn't allow him to sleep an entire night, ever, it didn't allow him to pass one day without having a drink or not smoking. Life was... Senseless, empty... And way too filled with the words "have to". You have to work. You have to study. You have to... You have to... You have to... He wondered himself when was the last time he did what he wanted and not what he had to do.

\- Hey! How are you, Xav? - Pedro greeted him from behind the counter when he entered the store.

\- Hello... - Xavier decided not to answer the question and leaned over the counter. - How's been the day of work?

\- Fine... But I'm tired. I'm all alone here. I've been thinking in hiring someone to help me out, but I don't know of anyone who I could trust...

\- Are you kidding me? You know I need a better job and I would love to work here after class.

\- You... You really want to work in here with me? - Pedro's eyes brightened and he smiled from ear to ear. - That would be amazing! Plus I wouldn't need to teach you anything 'cause you already know this place like the palm of your hand.

He waved some of his blond locks out of his face with a quick move of his head and walked around the counter to hug him. Xavier returned the hug burying his face in his friend's chest. He sure needed a little of that, the warm embrace of someone who cares, even more than what he would like to admit. Pedro was a bit older and taller. An easy person to get along with. His smell was the same as the sweet scent that caressed your face when you entered at the store, a mix of cigarettes with something more delicate behind, maybe chocolate and flowers. What Xavier actually liked a lot about Pedro was his way of being overprotective with all of his friends; it amused him and somehow comforted him.

Even if wallow in his own misery was a thing that he, almost masochistically, had grew fond of (maybe just out of being miserable since he could remember), it would be a pleasant change to have someone like Pedro by his side almost every day. He was such a happy and optimistic big mama. And Xavier was nor happy, nor optimistic... And he hadn't seen his mom in like... What? Two years already? Sounds kind of stupid, but Pedro always made him feel reassured with his way of being.

\- It will be so awesome to work together... But!! You'll have to have some days off, if not you won't have time to do your homework. - There it was, mama P.

\- Don’t worry about it. - He answered, still pressing his face against Pedro's chest and smiling like he had not smiled in years. - I'll find a way to have time to do that.

\- Oh no, you won't need to! Whenever you need to study, you will tell me and I'll give you the day off, ok?

\- Ok...

 

Back to his apartment in the third floor, he phoned to his current job to tell his boss he wasn't working there anymore. He discussed a little with the man about it and later sat over the window frame with a cigarette dangling from his lips.  
The little apartment complex where he lived was a really calm place from monday to thursday. He couldn't say the same thing when the weekends were close. It was a place made for the students that managed to pay his own rent and live alone, so usually everybody was either studing or working. But saturday nights were, most of the times, full with the sound of someone's room being destroyed by young people partying.  
The soft breeze caressed his face. He took a drag and stared silently at the smoke coming out of his mouth. A little away in the distance, the Eiffel Tower started to light up. The sky a deep orange melting with a dark blue, with the fall of another sunset. Some stars started to appear and he looked down as the automatic lights from the complex turned on. A guy standing by the entrance door catched his attention. He was speaking with a familiar person, Thibaut. Oh! Maybe it was that new roommate that he was talking about the other day. Xavier leaned in, a little curious. Then he recognized the guy as the same one that he had seen yesterday, the red curls and god awful posture gave him away even if his back was turned to Xavier's window.  
Thibaut raised his head and Xavier waved a hand at him, then smiled when his friend mouthed "call me in 5 minutes" while entering the building with the red haired guy.  
Xavier left his cigarette in the ashtray. He was about to get a drink when his phone went off.

\- Hey! - Thibaut sounded euphoric. - What took you so long?

\- What took me so long? - Xavier said with a laugh. - It's been less than two minutes. Maybe you're a little excited about something?

\- Well, hell yeah I am! I have something to tell you!! Oh! But first, I saw Pedro earlier, he told me you're going to work with him? So cool!

\- Yeah, it's gonna be fun and I'm surely going to gain more money than working on the market. - He put the cigarette back between his lips, looking out the window again and saw Thibaut by his own window. He could easily open it and there would be no need of talking by the phone because his apartment was in a different building but right in front of Xavier's, and the only thing separating them was a little yard with streetlights and sidewalks leading to the front doors. - So what did you want to tell me? Is it about your new roommate?

\- Oh! Yeah... Well, no it wasn't that but... He's cool, really quiet and maybe even a little shy. We are going to share most of our classes with him. He comes from a different college, he has changed to this one this year. I haven't asked him why, though... But aaaah - Xavier looked at him and saw him jumping a little. - We'll talk about it later! I have something more important to tell you!

\- What? What?

\- Chris... - He saw Thibaut doubting before he added. - Don't laugh at me because of what I'm going to tell you, ok? It's important for me!

\- Oh, come on! I’m not going to laugh! What is it? – He couldn't help but smile though, it was probably one of those things that Christopher used to do, that meant nothing for Xavier but Thibaut usually interpreted them as him "trying to give me signs of his attraction for me", as he said once.

\- Ok! So today we are talking as we walk on the street, he was looking at some chick walking a little far from us, and I was kinda sad 'cause I still think that he may be straight... But I say "She's cute, uh?" and, instead of nodding or something he looks at me and says "Yeah, maybe, I was just looking at her because her eyes are pretty similar to yours... But..." And he paused and I was screaming in my mind "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?" - Xavier started to laugh and Thibaut stopped and pouted. - You told me you wouldn't do that!

\- I’m sorry! I just... You sound like a fifteen years old school girl. - Xavier made an apologetic face and his friend narrowed his eyes, looking at him through the window, and then stuck his tongue out. - Oh yeah, that's so mature.

\- Do you want me to end the story or not?

\- Yes! Yes! Come on.

\- So... - Thibaut scratched his beard, probably thinking in which point of the story he was at before being interrupted. His new roommate walked behind him with a box on his hands - Oh, Gaspard! You can leave those things on the floor tonight, we'll put everything on it’s place tomorrow. - So his name was Gaspard... - Where was I? Oh yeah! - Xavier asumed that he was talking with him again. - He was staring at me, but didn't say anything for a while. Then he took my hand and said "I still prefer looking at your eyes, yours are prettier"

\- Oh... - He walked to the kitchen and took a beer from the fridge while thinking about it. Well... That gesture, coming from Christopher, was something that Xavier couldn't say that meant nothing. - And what did you say to him?

\- I didn't know what to say! I wanted to jump out of happiness or something! - Thibaut voice sounded so dreamy that Xavier felt a little bit jealous. He wished he could feel that much joy with something that simple. – I obviously thanked him but couldn't say anything else... And he held my hand all the way till we got here!

\- Well wow. That's great! - He sipped at his beer and smiled. Maybe Thibaut was right about having a chance of being Christopher's boyfriend.

 

He woke up sweating and breathing heavily. He looked at the clock. 5am, fucking perfect. He had only slept for 3 hours. His sleep cycles were a complete mess. He turned around again and again, trying to go back to sleep but eventually he stood up, defeated. The apartment's lights were off but he didn't had that much furnitures to stumble with. He drank a glass of water and opened the window to smoke. As he was lighting his cigarette he noticed that Thibuat's window was open and that there was someone smoking with his arms resting half outside of it. His eyes were still not used to the light so he squinted a little and recognized Gaspard. The guy was looking up with his gaze glued to the stars. Xavier stared a little, he still didn't know why but he was definetly interested in getting to know him.  
Gaspard looked down and for the second time in their lives, their eyes met. Neither of them averted the other's gaze, they just stared at each other silently. Xavier felt strange, he never smiled to strangers, but for some reason he felt like smiling to him. So he did, and to his surprise, Gaspard smiled back.


	3. The wound

\- I don't want this to happen to anyone. - He was sitting in the dark, thinking out loud, speaking to the darkness around him. - This feeling of emptiness, of being no one. - He saw a little white dot. It was far away in the distance, almost lost in the emptiness. He stared down. - I don't know what to do with my life. Sometimes I wish I could end it.

The darkness started to eat him. Making his feet dissapear in front of his eyes.

\- I wish I could be happy, I really do. A constant happiness, not that brief feeling that I get when I'm surrounded by friends.

His legs started to vanish.

\- Most of the time I say that I'm numb, but I'm not. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I don't want to be lonely but people just hurts you when they get too close.

He put his hands up and couldn't see his own fingers. His upper body started to be swallowed by the shadows. The feeling a blissful relief. He was finally leaving this world.

\- I want to know what to do. I'm tired. I'm too tired of everything.

Right before his face started to dissapear as well, he felt something shaking his body slightly.

 

\- Xav... Xavi... Wake up. – His friend's voice pushed him back to reality and he opened his eyes.

Another bad dream.

 

He was sleeping with his face pressed over the desk when Thibaut woke him with a little shake in his shoulders. The class had come to its end and everybody was standing and leaving.

\- Another bad night, uh? - His friend said with his head resting over Xavier's.

\- Yeah… - He sat straight slowly so he didn't make Thibaut fall, due to be putting all of his weight over him. - I don't know what to do about it anymore.

He heard a giggle by his side and saw Christopher standing next to his friend.

\- I know of a good way to get tired before sleep. - Chris said but Xavier cut him short.

\- If it's something related to sex, I don't want to hear it.

\- Then I'm not saying anything else! – Chris answered and he offered his hand to Thibaut who seemed stunned for a second and then took it, trying to hide the blush that tinted his cheeks. - Wanna go for a coffee?

\- Would love to. - He answered and they both left walking hand in hand, Xavier chuckled a little when Thibaut mouthed him an "oh my god" when Chris wasn't looking, before crossing the door.

He stood up to collect his things and, when he was closing his bag, he noticed that Gaspard was still sitting at the desk next to his. The guy was staring out the window in deep thought. Xavier stood still for a moment, he wanted to talk with him but he didn't know what to say. Then, before he could stop it, he was already opening his mouth.

\- Excuse... Excuse me. - The tall, tired looking man blinked a few times before staring at him. – Your name is Gaspard, right? You are Thibaut's new roommate.

\- Yeah... - Gaspard answered and Xavier scratched the back of his head trying not to look nervous.

\- I'm Xavier, I've b-been Thibaut's friend since I can remember. Nice-Nice to meet you. - He bit his tongue, he hated to stutter. - Would you like to... Ah... Have a coffee with me or something? - Gaspard gave him a blank stare and Xavier doubted. - Maybe a drink? If... If you want to...

\- Why? You don’t even know me. - Gaspard frowned a little. The phrase didn't come out as an attack; he actually looked like he didn't understand.

-Well… - Xavier smiled - That’s exactly why.

The guy seemed to be having a hard time deciding, but then he nodded and stood up.

\- Sure, a drink sounds good.

 

They ended up at Xavier's apartment due to him having a fridge full of beer and the fact that the record store was nearby and he had to go for his first day of work in a few hours.

As the conversation went along, Xavier learned that Gaspard was from a town not so far from this one. That he switched colleges because he was really tired of being around certain people, "toxic people", he called them. He also learned that Gaspard played the piano. That his eyes would light up when he was talking about music, that he would stutter when he couldn't find the words that he was looking for and that he would move his hands a lot when he was trying to descrive something.

Gaspard admitted that he wasn't much of a talker, that he was really shy, but that he felt comfortable with Xavier. "Feels... Natural." He said and snickered. Xavier beamed when he heard that, no one ever felt that way with him, except for his friends.

Two hours later found them smoking by the window, beers in hand and chatting about Thibaut and Chris. Gaspard was particularly interested in their relationship because he unintentionally had heard his friend talking by the phone with Xavier the night before.

\- It's kind of a complicated thing. - Xavier was saying while staring at the distance, he was trying to ignore half heartedly the fact that they were both standing way to close to each other, leaning against the window frame. - We all are, really... – He paused and then sighed - We all have love related problems. If you think about it, it all started when Mehdi decided to go away.

Gaspard stared at him, interested. Xavier felt the gaze over him and ran a hand through his hair, feeling a little self-conscious.

\- You know Pedro, the guy who owns the record store down the block? - Gaspard shook his head. - Well, he's an old friend. His father owned that store even before we were born. We used to live in a neighborhood not too far from here, but when we started college, we all moved out to this apartment complex. Pedro, Mehdi, Thibaut and I, know each other since forever. And, almost 6 years ago, Chris appeared and became part of our little... Gang. - He made another pause and took a drag. It was years since someone talked about Mehdi, it was a bit of an unspoken agreement between them, just because it was a delicate subject and felt like touching a nerve needlessly. - Listen... This is a matter that we usually prefer not to mention, I’m just saying this to you because I have the feeling that you're probably going to witness some situations that you may not understand...

\- Don't worry... Told you that I'm not much of a talker anyway... - Gaspard sipped at his bottle of beer.

Xavier smiled, his nose scrunching up just a little bit. It was easy to talk with this guy and, despite of feeling a little... Strange, he was comfortable in his presence too.

\- It happened around three years ago. - He changed his weight from one foot to the other and their arms touched. Gaspard's skin was soft and warm and it made him lose track of his thoughts for one second. The guy didn't move his arm, as if he wouldn't even notice the contact. - Pedro and Mehdi worked at the store together, but Mehdi's father wasn't pleased with that. Most of all, I think, because he knew that they were... Together. My mom and his dad are friends, and once I heard her talking by the phone with him. I didn't hear what he told her, but my mother was constantly assuring him that it was just a phase, that they were just experimenting with their sexuality, that it would pass... - He shook his head, staring at Thibaut’s window.

\- That it would pass... - Gaspard repeated, his eyes lost in the sky.

\- I have never in my life seen someone so in love as Pedro was... _Is_ with Mehdi. - He pressed his lips together. - But no one would have been able to make Mehdi's father understand. – Xavier’s gaze fell over Gaspard. - After a huge argument, the guy decided that he wouldn't allow his son to stay... So, he signed him in a really expensive college... In the United States. - Gaspard stared at him in disbelief. - Yeah... Mehdi had no choice. His family didn't have a lot of money and his biggest pressure was that, no one knows how but, his father paid for the fucking four years of the career, all at once.

\- What a bastard… - The taller man mumbled and Xavier nodded. - But... Shouldn't he be at the last year of his career now?

\- We don't know, we lost touch with him when he left. His father stole his phone, erased our numbers, he did everything possible for him not to be able to talk with us. And... Pedro preferred it that way... I swear to God, I thought he was about to kill himself when Mehdi left him. We spent months sleeping in his house, trying to convince him to eat, trying to make him smile... And, you'll see, we are not only friends, we are like a family. When you hurt one of us, we all feel the pain. Nobody ever worked with Pedro again, until yesterday when I offered him to do it. But... The thing is that, after that, none of us felt the same about love. – He was far away. Pedro’s warm tears drenching his jeans all over again. He could see it as if he would be back in the past: his friend, lying on the floor with his head resting on his lap, crying his heart out. - When you see someone destroyed by it. When you stared at Pedro's eyes and found nothing more than sadness and hopelessness...

\- You just don't want it to happen to you or any of your friends... Ever again. - Gaspard finished his sentence and they both stared at each other in silence. The last two words suspended in the air between them.

\- Exactly. - The younger boy said. – So we build a fort around our hearts, each one of us in a different way.

Gaspard was suddenly silent, thoughtful.

\- How is Pedro now? - He asked out of nowhere.

\- Well... Pedro always looks happy, you know? But it's partially true. He does love to work at his record store and he loves to be overprotective with us. We are all he has left. He knows how much it hurt us to see him sad... So he tried to pull himself together... Thinking that we would stop worring about him. But... He never really stopped feeling miserable. I know it.

\- And… Thibaut and Christopher... Have they always felt attracted to each other?

\- For Thibaut it's inevitable, he has been in love with Chris almost since day one. - He shrugged with a little smile. - I don't know if it's the same for Chris, I have never talked about it with him, but they have always had a special connection, it's almost like seeing Pedro and Mehdi again, and maybe that was the problem.

\- You're telling me that it took them all of these years to start dating because...? - They never stopped looking at each other but Xavier's eyes were lost in memories.

\- I guess that it took all of this time for the wound to finally heal... For most of us.

\- Did your wound heal? - That question took Xavier by surprise and he opened his mouth but didn't respond.

He looked for the clock in the wall, above the couch.

\- It’s… It’s late. I should go to work.

Gaspard smiled kindly, understanding. It wasn't the time to ask that, not yet.

\- Yeah, I have to go buy food anyways; I have found that, if it would be for Thibaut, we would starve.

Xavier gave him a tiny smile because he knew what he was talking about. And they both made their way out of the apartment complex and into the street.

\- It was nice of you to come over. - Xavier said and Gaspard touched his arm, his fingers made their way from his elbow to his wrist in such a delicate way that it sent shivers down his spine.

\- It was nice of you to invite me. M-maybe we can do this again? - The younger boy nodded and mumbled a "Totally" - Goodbye, then... - He leaned in and Xavier stood still for a moment. Gaspard's lips touched his cheek briefly and his heart started to beat like crazy.

\- G-Goodbye. – He answered when the taller boy stood straight again.

Gaspard smiled innocently and crossed the street, heading to the market. Xavier couldn't help himself and stared at him while he was leaving, but his heart skipped a beat again, when Gaspard turned his head to look over his shoulder. He tried his best not to look like he knew he was being observed, so he could only pretend that he was checking something on his phone and then he headed to the record store, fighting with himself to try and control the impulse of glancing back to see if he was still there.

 

\- Hey Xav! - Pedro greeted him as usual but then stopped abruptly to raise an eyebrow. - Did a girl just kissed you or something?

\- W-what? Why?

\- Well, first of all, because your face looks like a tomato. - Xavier touched his cheek and it sure felt as if he would have a fever. For some reason, that fact made him smile. - Second of all because you look... - Pedro made a pause. - Happy.

\- What do you mean? I'm always happy.

\- Oh! Don't feed me bullshit. – His friend got closer to him and grabbed him by the shoulders. - I know you way too much. I know that it's been years since you're not really happy. - Xavier sighed and nodded, he just couldn't fool anyone anymore. - So... Who's the lucky girl?

\- Nothing happened, ok? And it's not... A girl. - He regretted the words moment he said them. His subconscious spoke for him and he didn't even know why.

Pedro's eyebrows almost touched as he lifted them up. Xavier stared at him.

\- Who is it?

\- Oh! Come on! Stop!

\- Who is it? - The smile on his friend's face was so wide. Pedro's smiles were always sincere, but there was always loneliness in his eyes. Xavier could barely believe that he was actually seeing happiness there this time. Though, he was stubborn, so stubborn actually, that he wouldn't admit anything, nor to Pedro, nor to himself.

\- It's nothing, I was just chatting with Thibaut's new roommate, ok? He’s a nice guy.

\- Oh! Thibaut talked about him yesterday. Gaspard, right? - Xavier nodded. Pedro put a finger over his lower lip, thinking. - A nice guy?! - He suddenly snapped - Did you just said that someone, apart from us, is nice? - Xavier didn't understand. - The last time you said that was fucking years ago! You always hate everybody! – Then he stopped. - Oh...

\- No! Don't say "Oh". There’s nothing to say "oh" about.

\- Oh... My... God! - Pedro's eyes were open wide. - You like him.

\- No! I don’t! - Xavier averted his gaze but Pedro took his face with his hands and stared right into his eyes, as if he could see right through him.

\- You REALLY like him. And it's been like... Two days since he's here... You must have only talked with him two or three times.

\- Actually, we started talking today, so... Once.

\- OH MY GOD!!!!


	4. Longing to see me again

Maybe life wasn't so predictable after all. Or, maybe, he wasn't doing anything before for it not to be predictable.

Things don’t come just because; nobody's that lucky. What makes us who we are, may not be our abilities. People tend to think that what determines their lives is the place where they were born, their economic status, the people they've met... But all of that just affects you, it doesn't determine anything. What makes you who you are it's the decisions you make.

Xavier suddenly understood that the little changes in front of his eyes appeared only because of him. He decided to tell Pedro to work with him, he decided to talk with Gaspard and now he had decided to take his old keyboard from inside the box in the back of his closet.

He sat there for about ten minutes, just staring at the old thing. He wasn't a music virtuoso, but he sure used to love playing this dusted instrument when he was younger.

A little voice in the back of his head told him that the only reason why he had that thing out of the box was because Gaspard told him that he played the piano. He stood up and tried to ignore those thoughts. When he leaned against the window frame, as usual, he stared at Thibaut's window.

It had been two weeks since he first talked with the red haired guy and they had a few more conversations walking through the hallways in college. All of those conversations ended up with Gaspard leaning in to gently kiss his cheek. Then he would stand straight and smile before leaving, and Xavier would stare at him waiting for a single thing, that moment when Gaspard turned to look back. And he always did, but right in the moment where their eyes should meet Xavier would avoid his gaze and pretend he didn't know he was being watched.

He lighted his cigarette and took a long drag. Something about Gaspard bugged him. Although, it wasn't the guy itself, but his own reactions when he was around him. It sure felt strange wanting to socialize so much with a stranger after years of avoiding people. But it wasn't just that. Pedro's voice echoed in his head "You REALLY like him". It couldn't be truth. He didn't like people, he didn't like anybody. And even if it could be true, he would never be able to fall in love, and probably nobody would fall for him anyways.

Thibaut appeared at his open window and waved at him.

\- Hey! – Xavier blinked a few times before glancing at his friend. - You look as if I’ve just interrupted you while thinking about something.

He sighed.

\- You did. Do you want to come over? I... I think I need to talk with someone.

\- Sure thing. I'll be there in a minute.

And it did take him just a minute. He smiled a little when he heard the knock on the door. Thibaut always got excited when Xavier wanted to talk, probably because he never wanted to, so when he did, it meant it was somerthing important.

\- So... What’s up? - His friend asked, sitting on the couch.

\- Ok. I'll go straight to the point. - He took a drag and for some reason his hand was trembling. - Do you think... ? - He leaned back until he was resting against the window frame. Thibaut stared at him, waiting. He avoided his gaze. - Do you think that I'm capable to fall in love? Or... That somebody can actually fall for me?

That question obviously took his friend off guard so he remained in silence for a while.

\- Well... - He finally said. - Of course you can. – Then he frowned. - And why do you think someone wouldn't fall for you?

\- Because I'm broken. - Xavier stared down, still trying not to look at him. - Why would anyone want to be with someone like me? I don't like to let anyone in.

\- Does this mean that you like someone?

\- I don’t know...

Thibaut sighed and stood up to stand in front of him and rest his forehead in his shoulder.

\- I think you do know. - Xavier pressed his cheek against Thibaut's head. - If not, you wouldn't be asking yourself these things.

He closed his eyes, his friend's hair smelled like flowers.

\- Maybe it's true. But... - Xavier stopped, he didn't want to finish the sentence. Thibaut took his hand and squeezed it a little, trying to give him the strength to admit something that they both already knew. - It scares me.

\- Xav... - He opened his eyes, Thibaut stood straight and smiled warmly - I think you've been scared for a long time. That's why you always wanted to have a change in your life but never did anything about it. That's why you always feel like you want to go somewhere new. You're trying to escape because you think that new people means that you can open yourself to them as little as you want. You think that being alone means not being hurt by anyone. But, do you know what I think scares you the most? - Xavier shook his head. - To be happy.

\- What do you mean?

\- You have been miserable for so long that you got used to it. When you are sad, when you've hit the bottom and you never tried to go back up again, any dissapointment feels like a regular thing. It doesn't surprise you and it doesn't make you sad because you're already feeling like shit. You are afraid of being happy because it would mean to be exposed to the possibility of going back down. The higher you are, the more it hurts to fall. People tend to do things that can make you feel bad and you don't want to fall. You're comfortably safe in your little corner, down the cliff. To go up you have to work hard, to go back down you just need a little mistake.

Xavier felt like he wanted to cry. Every fucking word was a slap on the face, because he knew Thibaut was right.

\- I hate you. – He finally said and smiled a little even if he was blinking back tears.

\- I love you too, my friend. - Thibaut kissed Xavier's forehead. - You'll be ok. I swear, everything's gonna be ok.

 

The next day, he was sitting alone behind the counter in the record store. Pedro was out to buy them some coffee and Xavier had nothing to do, due to have already organized everything and cleaned the floors. Silence wasn't a bad thing except for the fact that it allowed him to think way too much.

Pedro had bugged him all week long, trying to know all the details about those times when Gaspard had talked with him. He was particularly interested in the fact that Gaspard always turned to look at him before leaving.

Actually they had talked about it right before he left to the coffee store.

\- Have you heard this record? - He had asked after searching for it for about five minutes.

\- Yeah, why?

\- Do you remember the song "To see me again"?

\- No, not really.

\- You should listen to it. Here. - He handed him the record. - Do it, I'll be right back.

His eyes zeroed in while looking at the cover of the record, it had two people standing with his backs to each other. The guy in the back was turning to look at the girl on the front. He did listened to that old record before. Though, he couldn't remember any song.

He shrugged and put it on the record player. The song that Pedro mentioned was the first one. The band sounded like crap and the lyrics almost didn't rime. The song was about a boy who fell in love with a girl who was nothing but trouble. He didn't understand why Pedro wanted him to listen to it until the sweet, pained voice started to sing the chorus.

“ _So, baby, if you walk away,_  
_will you turn to look at me and make me know_  
_that you're longing to see me again?_  
_People always say that you’ll walk away,_  
_but I know that you'll turn to make me know_  
_that you're longing to see me again._ ”

He pressed the pause button and rested his hands in the counter. That's what it means when people turned to look at you? He shook his head but for some reason couldn't help but feeling pleased. Damn you, Pedro.

\- Hey! Is it open? - The familiar voice made him jump and he looked up. Gaspard was standing by the door.

\- Yeah! Come on in. - He stood up and Gaspard seemed happy as he walked towards Xavier. - How can I help you?

\- Well, I don't really know what to buy, I'm looking for something new, you know... That I've never listened before... - He scratched the back of his head and blushed. - Though, I really just wanted to come and say hi. You know, never been here before and figured that maybe you wouldn't mind to have me around a little.

Xavier beamed, his nose scrunching up, like it always did when he was genuinely smiling.

\- Would be cool to have you around. In fact, you can come whenever you want. I really like to be with you. - He trailed off for a second, it was almost like allowing his subconscious to speak for him when he was with this guy.

\- Hey Xav! I have the coffee and I was hungry so I bought something for... - Pedro was walking through the door, staring down at the things on his hands when he raised his head and saw Gaspard. – Oh! New customer. Hello! Welcome to our little record store.

Xavier raised an eyebrow because the look in Pedro's eyes made it obvious that he already knew this wasn't just a customer. Probably due to Xavier's descriptions of the man or maybe just because he was secretly spying them from outside the store, which would be something really tipical of him. Plus, that little act of "Oh! I'm walking in and I didn't see you" was so bad that it almost made him want to punch Pedro in the face.

\- Actually, this is Gaspard. Thibaut's new roommate. - Pedro made a stupid surprised face that could fool people that didn't know him but couldn't be more fake for Xavier. - Gaspard, this is Pedro. He's the one who owns this store.

\- Nice to meet you! - Instead of shaking his hand like any other normal person would, Pedro left the things in the counter and hugged Gaspard. The latter hugged him back with a funny confused face. - Any friend of my friends, is my friend. Feel free to come over whenever you want! You will always be welcomed.

\- Thank you. - Gaspard muttered shyly.

\- So...! You mentioned you were looking for something new to listen to. - Xavier exclaimed and interrupted Pedro when he was about to open his mouth. Only God knows what kind of thing could come out of there to try to get information from Gaspard.

When Pedro was evidently turning into mama mode it was better to cut him short.

\- Uhh... Yeah... Well I was hoping you would recommend me something. - Gaspard answered and Xavier grabbed his arm to take him away from mama P.

Gaspard was about to leave the store 20 minutes later with four disco records that Xavier had strongly recommended to him. Pedro almost didn't allow him to pay for them but the man insisted enough to be able to pay at least for two. Xavier walked out with him and they stood in front of the door.

\- Thank you for helping me. - Gaspard said with a kind tone.

\- Thank you for coming. - Xavier replied and they both stayed in silence for a second. - Would you... uuuh.... Would you like to... Like... To... You know...

\- I would love to. - Gaspard answered and Xavier smiled scrunching his nose again.

\- See you at my house at 8?

\- Sure. Plus, I think Thibaut is planning to have dinner with Chris at home... So I better not be there annoying them. - The taller man leaned in, like always, to kiss his cheek. Except that this time the kiss ended being a little too close to the corner of Xavier's mouth and they stayed in that position for a little longer than usual.

When Gaspard finally stood straight his own cheeks were tinted with a furious red and Xavier could feel a strong heat coming up to his face.

\- S-see you la-later then. - Gaspard stuttered and he walked away.

Xavier couldn't do anything else but stand there with his fingers touching the corner of his mouth. The ghost of Gaspard’s lips still present there. He looked up just in time to see the later turning to stare at him. Their eyes met. They both shared a long glance before Gaspard smiled and disappeared while turning around the corner.

“ _But I know that you'll turn to make me know that you're longing to see me again_.” He heard a little voice singing in the back of his head.

When he walked back inside the store, Pedro had a stupid smile on his face.

\- Shut up! I don't want to hear it! - Xavier warned him, but that didn’t stop Pedro, who jumped over him and hugged him tightly, while making a funny little scream like a girl.


	5. Family

Pedro was almost jumping up and down through the entire store.

\- He is totally into you!!

\- Didn't I just say that I don't want to hear it?

\- Oh! Shut up! Let me enjoy this moment! - He stood behind the counter and sipped at his coffee, but even while doing that he kept on smiling. - And you are crazy for him. - Pedro pointed at his friend with a finger.

\- No, I'm not. - Xavier was holding his coffee while standing in front of the closed door.

\- Why are you so in denial?

Xavier remained silent for a while, lost in the people passing by at the other side of the glass. He was refusing to answer but he felt like a child throwing a tantrum. He finally looked at Pedro, and the older guy stared back with a concerned look. The mood changing in the atmosphere between them. Xavier opened his mouth but the words didn't come out. A knot in his throat threatening to make him crumble.

\- These feelings... - He finally managed to say. - This is not right... I can't think clearly when I'm around him. I can't think clearly right now cause I'm thinking about him.

He left the unfinished coffee in the counter and ran a hand through his hair, staring down.

\- And why is that a bad thing?

He had more than one bitter reason why. But no. He didn't want to say it out loud. The hole in his heart was deep and painful. He knew that things would be better if he would allow himself to suffer it instead of trying to supress it. But he didn't want to face the monster with no sword or shield. He wasn't a fighter, not anymore, even if he wanted to be stronger.

\- Is this because of Mehdi? - Pedro's voice was merely a whisper, and it was full of pain. - Xav... Look at me. - He walked towards him and raised his face with a finger. - The weight of that situation shouldn't fall over anyone but me. I know it was hard for all of us. It's hard every fucking day for me. I still can't go to bed without seeing him laughing by my side. I can't even wake up without remembering his sweet, sleepy face in the mornings... Or how he used to hold me tight when I was worried about something. Or... Or... Or how his face looked when he was about to go on that plane, how his gaze was full of shadows and sadness while his mouth was begging me to forgive him. Or how many times he asked me not to forget him. - Pedro's eyes were full of tears. - But it shouldn't be something that keeps _you_  from being happy.

Xavier instinctively hugged him. If something was easy for Pedro was crying. He cried whit corny movies, he cried while listening to really good music, and most of all, he cried when talking about Mehdi.

\- It's not only because of that... - Xavier stroked Pedro's back, the sobs making his friend's shoulders tremble. He allowed him to cry it out for a while, closing his eyes and tightening his grip around him when he felt how Pedro closed his hands into fists, grabbing his shirt. – You know how complicated it's for me to even think about love... - He whispered - I can't even consider to love someone after...

There it was. The monster, waking up in front of him. Standing tall with the threat written in the eyes. How can you beat up something that big, that menacing? He didn't know. But he did know that at least he had to try now, he had to put up a battle against it, even if he knew how it would probably end. He remembered telling Gaspard that their problem had its roots in Mehdi going away, but it was a lie, or at least, it was only partially truth. He wouldn't allow Pedro to think that this whole deal was only because of his own tragic story because that would make him think that somehow it was his fault that Xavier was miserable.

\- After that fight? - Pedro stifled a new sob and took a long breath. Trying to calm himself. Then he released Xavier to look straight in his eyes. - We've talked about this before. Only because your mother...

\- She doesn't want to talk with me, Pedro. - Xavier interrupted him and took a step back. - We haven't talked in two years after that argument. Not even a phone call. And when I go home to see my sisters, she's never there. I think she told them to let her know when I'm going so she can leave till I'm not there anymore. Sometimes I think it's better that way; I can't bear to think of seeing the look of disgust in her eyes again. Even my sisters treat me differently since the day I moved away.

Pedro sighed and stared outside the shop window.

\- She does love you, you know? - They both had their heads in their own limbo. - She's like Mehdi's dad. She just doesn't understand.

\- No, she doesn't give a fuck about me. Do you know what she told me when I said that I liked boys as much as girls? - Pedro stared down at him. - She said "I don't want to see you in this house anymore, I don't want the neighboors to know this. You're a shame for our family." - Xavier's eyes were full of tears and he felt like the smallest person in the world. - She doesn't care if I'm happy, she only cares about the fucking people not knowing how I really am. - His voice cracked and he fell on his knees.

He couldn't remember the last time he had a breakdown like this. He had suppressed those feelings for so long that everything felt a thousand times worse. The waves of shame and sadness hitting his body. It wasn't only a choice for him to be alone, he had been left alone. He felt like a puppy abandoned under the rain, hopeless, defenseless, crying with the desperate need of a mother who would never come to make him feel loved and protected. That's why his friends were his family, because his real family practically turned his back on him.

Pedro was on his knees by his side. He sat on the floor and pulled Xavier closer, until he was a sobbing mess sitting between his open legs, hugging him while hiding his face on his chest.

\- Sometimes I just... Sometimes I wanna disappear - Xavier said and he tried to stop his sobs but the tears wouldn't stop falling.

\- No, listen to me... Listen... - Pedro's voice was calm but full of pain. - This is your life, you can do whatever you want. If people doesn't like it, then fuck them. You are a wonderful person. You deserve to love and be loved. You are important and the world wouldn't be the same without you. - Xavier raised his head to look at him with puffy eyes. - Do you think that we, your friends, could live without you? No! It would be unsufferable. We love you. You have always been there for all of us, and we will always be here for you.

\- What’s going on?! - Thibaut entered the store running with Chris following suit, they both fell on their knees next to them. They probably had seen the situation from outside the glass door. - Xavier, are you ok?

It was as if Pedro's words would have immediately become true. They were there when he needed them most. They were his sword and shield. And maybe the hole in his heart wasn't that deep anymore. Maybe he wasn't a puppy abandoned under the rain, because wherever his friends were, that was home. Maybe he could feel better. Maybe he could fight. Maybe... He could love.

He had no voice to explain himself, but there was no need of it because Pedro did it for him. And after he did, they all remained in silence for a while.

\- I knew he liked Gaspard, I told you. - Chris said looking at Thibaut and the latter smiled a little but he was way too concerned to be happy. Chris took Xavier’s hand and kissed it. - I know it hurts. I know it feels like you would be left alone in the world. You know what happened to me. But you wanna know something? - Chris smiled kindly. - When I first came here I thought... That I was a nobody. For a long time I was just a ghost walking through the crowd... But then I knew you and the guys. And being with you made me feel part of something again... Part of a family. It made me feel like I was worth it, cause all of you accepted me for who I was. And, thanks to that, the little pieces of my soul started to come back to their place. - Chris sat on the floor and stared at Thibaut who was petting Xavier's hair. - And now I know that I'm loved... And that I'm able to love back.

Thibaut stared at him, the surprise flashing in his eyes for one second before smiling shyly, then he stared back at Xavier who had stopped crying.

\- And we accept you, Xav, we love you just how you are. – He said and kissed his wet cheek. - Gaspard is a good guy, you should give him a chance. I know that that love can hurt and it scares you. But if, in the end, it doesn't work, it'll be ok. You will always have us. We will always be by your side. - Pedro closed his eyes and rested his head over Xavier's while hearing Thibaut talking. The later suddenly started to laugh. - Even if Chris is always making sex jokes, and Pedro is a big mama and I am always talking about corny things.

Soon they were all laughing.

\- Oh man, we're such losers. - Pedro said, shaking his head.

\- But we are a family. - Xavier whispered and even if he looked like shit, he smiled widely. - And I'm thankful for being a loser with all of you.


	6. Little tragic stories

Pedro allowed him to go back home earlier so he could shower and try to relax before his date (could he call it a date? it was kind of a date... Right?).

After he took that blissful shower, he stepped outside the bathroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. He stared at his own livingroom, the first time he stepped inside this little apartment he was only looking for a place to hide from the world. Somewhere where he could be alone and consider dying. Now it was the place that he called home, and he felt comfortable and peaceful in it. He couldn't understand how he wasn't feeling like shit after that conversation. Crying those things out definitely made him really good.

He headed to his bedroom an started picking up the cloth from the floor. Unlike the rest of the department, this place was a mess.

Xavier did a little cleaning, still without putting any clothes on, and, by the time he finished, it was already 7:30pm.

He walked towards the closet and searched for something to wear. For some reason he felt anxious about stupid things. Should he wear nice clothes or just whatever he wanted as usual? Maybe he should brush his hair. White shoes or black shoes? He wanted to wear the white jeans, but the white shoes looked better with this other jeans... He had shaved in the morning so he didn't have to worrie about... Oh, for God's sake, he was acting like a nervous fifteen years old. This was totally a date.

He finally decided to wear a white t-shirt with black jeans and white shoes. He brushed his wet hair and stared at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were looking better, not as puffy and red as they were when he left the store. He smiled to himself, it was the first time in years that he stared at his own reflection without feeling disgusted.

A shy knock on the door made his heart jump with excitement and he silently laughed at the fact that he was nervous as if he wouldn't have been alone in his apartment with this guy before.

He opened the door and Gaspard smiled at him. Xavier felt a wave of fondness and relief when he noticed that he seemed as uneasy as him.

The taller guy gazed down at Xavier's clothes and chuckled.

\- Our clothes match. - He mumbled.

Xavier's smile widened when he noticed that, indeed, Gaspard was wearing a white t-shirt, with shoes of the same colour and black pants. He bit his lower lip while allowing him to come inside.

 

Half an hour later they were sitting on the couch, chatting about music and those disco records that Xavier recommended to him.

\- You know, you never told me exactly why you moved here. - Xavier said, changing the subject.

\- Well... - Gaspard was sitting facing him and his gaze fell over Xavier's hand, which was resting above the back of the couch. - I had problems with my friends. It was a large group of people, and... uuh... When you have the kind of friends who have no friendship codes, you get to see a lot of fights over stupid things. But the biggest problem was that they were constantly stabbing each other's backs. What made me decide to go away was that I couldn't bare anymore all the stupid babbling about what this or that person had done this time. They were driving me crazy and I reached a point where I couldn't trust any of them.

\- Oh... - Xavier didn't know what to say about that. He had never have that kind of people around him.

\- It was just exhausting. - He shrugged. - I didn't feel like going to college anymore because I knew that everyday there would be a new problem and I would be stuck in the middle of it. So I left. I looked for a college that would give me the chance of not having to start the career all over again... And here I am.

\- Their loss is our gain. - Xavier said and Gaspard removed his gaze from his hand to look up at him.

\- Do you really mean that?

\- Yeah... You're a really nice person. Thibaut and Chris think you're a good guy and Pedro seems to think that you're cool too.

\- Thanks... T-That's really important for me.

Xavier smiled and stood up, heading to the kitchen area.

\- Do you want a beer?

Gaspard nodded and stood up too but he went to the window and lighted a cigarette.

\- You know? I've never had friends like yours.

\- Really? - Xavier was back with two beers and he pushed his butt against the window frame while lighting his own cigarette.

\- Yes, you're always taking care of each other and worrying about how the other feels.

\- That's pretty much why we are together and what keeps us together. - Gaspard leaned against the window frame beside him, putting his weight in his forearms. - We need each other to survive.

\- What do you mean?

\- Each one of us has a little tragic story. - He scratched his arm and made a face. - Pedro lost his mother when he was a little kid and his father died a few years ago. The rest of his family lives far away, so he's alone in here. All he has left is the record store and the couple of apartments above it. And he lives in the one where he used to live with his father. - He took a drag and made a pause. - Chris's parents were really strict, they were always telling him that he had to be perfect in everything and when he couldn't be how they wanted him to be, instead of reprehend him, they started to ignore him. It was as if he wouldn't even be there. And soon he started to believe that. But one day he couldn't bare it anymore and he ran away. He went as far as he could possibly go. But he was really depressed and had lost all faith in people... He rented the apartment next to Pedro's. Then he met us and started to feel like he had a place where he was accepted and that he could trust in us, because we didn't care if he wasn't perfect.

\- And Thibaut? - Gaspard whispered after sipping at his beer while frowning.

\- He's the only one who still has some sort of connection with his family... Thibaut was a really shy and self-conscious kid when we were still in school. All the other kids were constantly annoying him and humiliating him. I was his only friend at that time and I always tried to protect him but when I wasn't there... One day, he was walking home when they ambushed him. It was like ten of them and he was all alone. They punched him and kicked him when he fell to the floor. And instead of going to his house he came to mine. - Xavier pressed his lips together and shook his head. - He had bruises, there was blood everywhere and he wouldn't stop crying. He stayed at my house for two days before returning to his own. - Gaspard stared at Thibaut's window with sadness and Xavier took a sip of his beer while thinking. - Even in high school they made his life a nightmare. But there we had Pedro and Mehdi, and they were older and stronger than them. So they took care of him better than me. He still thinks he's weak and he doesn't have any confidence, but he feels protected surrounded by us.

They remained in silence while smoking and drinking. It was a comfortable moment but Xavier couldn't take off of his head the image of Thibaut sleeping on his bed and wearing his clothes, because his own were ruined.

\- And what's your little tragic story? - Gaspard asked and he stood up to look at him. Xavier returned him the look and then sighed.

\- I used to live with my mom and my sisters. We were a happy family and everything was alright until... Until the day that Mehdi's father started to talk with her about his son being in love with Pedro. She started to feel paranoic about me being gay. She pressured me into having girlfriends and she was always talking about how wrong it was to be like Mehdi. - He turned his head and looked outside. - But one day I got tired. I told her I liked boys as much as girls and she told me I was a shame for the family. Then she kicked me out and we haven't talked since that day.

He jumped a little when he felt a hand grabbing his. He stared at Gaspard and the latter stood closer to him.

\- I'm really sorry. - He said in a whisper.

\- It's... It's... - Xavier couldn't think straight being so close to him. - It's ok. My friends a-are my family and I love them as much as they love me.

\- Yeah... But it must have been tough. - He squeezed Xavier's hand and shook his head while thinking about it. - I think you're really strong.

\- I'm not... You asked me once if my wound healed and it hasn't. It's still there every day. Even if, with time, it hurts less and less. I wouldn't have been able to keep on going if I wouldn't have my friends.

\- You have your friends, yes. But that doesn't mean that you're not strong. To live with a wound like that means to have a constant feeling of being miserable. I wouldn't be able to do what you did... What you're still doing everyday. Friends or not, you have been able to survive to all of that, and that's amazing.

\- Thank you. - He whispered and, on an impulse, he rested his forehead on Gaspard's shoulder.

The latter stroked his arm and smiled.


	7. Confessions

Thibaut's heart was beating frantically. Tonight had to be the night. All of this time they have been dating... Even if he wasn't sure he could call dates to all of their encounters lately. They were advancing achingly slow. Holding hands while walking, hugging for what seemed like hours, staring at eachother's eyes for long, silent, moments... It all screamed love, but they haven't even kissed yet. Yes, Chris used to kiss his hands, or one of his arms, or his cheeks, sometimes... But they haven't actually kissed. They haven't talked about it neither. He wasn't really worried about it, but he was hungry for more. Though he wasn't able to do anything. Actually, yes, he was able, but he didn't have the guts to do it. His shyness and stupid weakness making him stop everytime he was about to make a move. His hands were even trembling when he unlocked the door of his apartment with Chris waiting behind him.  
His friend walked in, going straight to the kitchen and opening the fridge. This was almost his second home after all, he used to spend more time there than in his own apartment. Thibaut leaned against the eating counter, his chin resting on his left hand, just staring at his back.

\- So, what shall we cook? - Chris said, but he was thinking out loud more than speaking with Thibaut. - Thank God, Gaspard bought actual food. I'm tired of you eating the shit that they sell at the cafeteria.

\- I just hate cooking. - Thibaut whispered, his voice weak. He was feeling more shy than usual today.

\- I know... - Chris started to pull out things from the fridge and then turned on the oven. - But you will help me, right? - He turned and looked at him with those big powerfull eyes and Thibaut stared back trying to look serious.

\- Ugh! Ok, ok! I will! Stop giving me that look. - He finally said, giving up and smiling.

\- What look? - His friend asked and got closer, standing in front of him. The only thing between them was the eating counter, but that wasn't something that could prevent Chris from putting his face extremely close to Thibaut's.

\- That look... - Thibaut mumbled, his cheeks blushing. - You always do it... You know that you only need to ask something and look at me that way to make me do whatever you want.

\- That's not true. - Chris answered and he leaned closer to stroke his friend's cheek with the tip of his nose, then he kissed his neck, right below his ear. Thibaut closed a hand in a fist and held his breath. - Let's start cooking, shall we? - He whispered and Thibaut's head started spinning until he let go the breath he was holding.

\- Y-yeah...

They cooked in silence. Chris asking Thibaut to hand him things every now and then. And when everything was finally ready they sat one in front of each other, eating and chatting about Xavier and his earlier breakdown, about Pedro and Mehdi, about Gaspard being at Xavier's apartment right now.

\- Do you think he will eventually get better? - Chris asked when they had finished their dinner and were cleaning the dishes together.

\- Xavier is a strong person, he's gonna be ok. When we were little he always defended me and took care of me. He just didn't understand that sometimes you have to let others take care of you too.

His friend dried his hands with a dishcloth and walked towards Thibaut's room with the latter following suit.

\- I wish I could be like that. - Thibaut said out of nowhere and sat on his bed.

\- How? - Chris questioned, lying on the bed with his head resting on Thibaut's lap.

\- Strong... - He whispered and looked down at the gorgeous man staring back at him. He started to play with his shorts locks of hair just out of habit.

\- You're strong. - Chris said frowning. - You've always been.

\- No, I'm not, Chris. I've always needed to be protected.

\- That doesn't make you weak. - Thibaut made a face and stared outside the window. - Hey! Look at me. - Chris raised his hand and put it over his friend’s cheek, the latter leaned his face to meet his touch but closed his eyes. - Thibaut... You know what it is to be weak? - He caressed his soft skin with his thumb - To give up.

\- I know, but...

\- But nothing. - He interrupted him and Thibaut opened his eyes slowly in response. - I know of a lot of people who had the same problems as you and didn't do anything about them because they believed they were scum. But, you... Since the day I knew how your childhood was I thought that you were so brave and smart, because, instead of just giving up, you searched for help in your friends and you made yourself strong with them. And... Do you wanna know something?

He made a pause, holding his breath, he was so afraid sometimes of admitting these things to his friend, of scaring him. Thibaut stared at him, silently waiting.

\- You were my inspiration. - He finally let go those words between a sigh.

\- Your inspiration to do what?

\- To get better. To trust in people. To accept myself as I was.

Thibaut practically melted. He leaned in with the idea of kissing Chris, but instead he decided to rest his forehead against his, cursing his own fear. His friend closed his eyes, his thumb still stroking Thibaut's cheek.

\- Do you remember that summer that you went to the beach for almost two months? - He felt a nod moving both of their heads slightly. - We had that stupid discussion over I can't even recall what... You were so unpredictable at that time, your mood changes made me feel lost. And then you went on that vacation with your family and we hadn't fixed our problem. You were away for so long. And I was still trying to pull myself together. I was depressed the entire time. The guys were there and they helped me out, but it wasn't the same without you. Happiness didn't return till you did.

Thibaut released a long sigh which caressed Chris's face.

\- I do remember what made us fight. It was my fault. - His voice was a whisper because his heart was beating so fast in his chest that he could barely breathe. - You were mad at me because I was acting weird and didn't wanted to tell you why.

\- Oh... It's true. And you never told me what was wrong... What was it?

He opened his eyes when a minute passed by and he had no answer. Thibaut sat straight and stared at him, light blue meeting ocean green. The air between them became heavy. Thibaut took the hand that was still against his cheek, but he was trembling. Chris felt it and he frowned. There was nothing more than the sound of their own thoughts. He stood up and sat properly on the bed, facing his friend, taking that shaky hand with his own.

\- What's going on inside your crazy head right now? - He mumbled.

\- Did you really mean it? That thing that you said when we were at the record store? Do you really think that you're loved and you're able to love back? - Chris nodded and Thibaut took a long breath before finally deciding to talk. - I was confused. I was afraid cause I was so... - He tightened his grip on Chris's hand. He couldn't believe he was about to say this out loud. But his friend's eyes were so sincere, he was so worried about him. He had to do it, he had to be brave. – I _am_ so madly in love with you.

The time suddenly seemed to stop. His mind was a rollercoaster, the adrenaline made him feel his heart pounding in his ears, the blood flowing through his veins started to boil. Chris was speechless, staring at him in disbelief.

\- I hated you 'cause you were making me feel so afraid and lost. I had dreamed about falling in love for such a long time, but you were so perfect, so charming, so impossible to reach. It wasn't fair. - Now that his mouth had been open he couldn't stop. - I wasn't good enough for you and that made me feel so angry with myself. I had days where I wanted so badly to do something about it, but then you stared at me with those big eyes and I just couldn't. - Thibaut felt like he was about to hyperventilate - My feelings were constantly changing from love to hate... I was frustrated. But then I went to the beach and being away allowed me to think clearly and when I came back I had a little of mental peace. And I decided that I was going to do something about it eventually, it didn't matter how much time it would take me.

Chris hugged him, Thibaut went silent and wrapped his arms around his body. He buried his face in his friend's shoulder and tried to calm down. They spent several minutes in that position, allowing the moonlight to draw their silhouettes on the wall.

\- You know I'm far from perfect. - Chris said and he let go of him in order to make their gazes meet again. - I was mad at you because I didn't know what I was doing wrong and you weren't helping. I was... So afraid of losing you. - He ran a hand through the long hair that adorned Thibaut's head and rested it against his nape. - You're so important to me, Thibaut. Don't you ever think that you are not good enough to do something or being with somebody. You’re everything I've ever wanted and more, and I love you so much.

He couldn't say anything else because Thibaut's lips against his mouth shushed him. They kissed gingerly for a brief moment but then they couldn't help but smile with their lips still pressed against each other. Chris fell backwards on the bed with the love of his life on top of him.  
The world stopped spinning, the people on the street disappeared, the wind didn't dared to move a single leaf and every living thing remained silent.  
For the first time in their lives, there was no fear, there was no need of being perfect. And a certainty was kindled in their minds: those untouchable things weren't making them crumble, not anymore.


	8. Confront your fears

How much time had he lost? How much time wondering when the things would fix by themselves? How long had he stared out the window, doing nothing and feeling sorry for himself? Well... It didn't matter exactly how much. It only mattered that it was already too much. Too much time wasted. All because he tought that, at some point, out of nowhere, something in his mind would click and everything would be ok.  
Though, he couldn't feel too guilty about it, because that is something that everybody does. That's how most of the people live: Waiting. Waiting for something to change, for something to make them special, for something to make their lives meaningful. Even in that aspect, he was still such a common human being.

In our own heads we are so unique, and in real life, we are so lost and we are all part of the same herd of lambs, walking all together to the same place where one single, superior being, leads us. We are just one more of those poor, stupid people who think things like... That having a work they hate (because they are good at it) is necessary because that's how they are going to get the things that they want, because that's how they're going to gain the money to buy the life that they want. That's so sad.

We spend more time of our lifes working to buy those moments of what we call "part of our dreams", than actually living them. Our time slips from our hands while we daydream with a better tomorrow. We, humans, are stupid. So stupid, that even knowing that we need to do something to make a change, we are still just waiting to have some good luck, some good effortless miracle that will make us happy.

But he couldn't wait anymore. More than three years... It's enough time lost, being someone he's not, studying to work of something that, he knew, it wouldn't make him happy. And as he was sitting next to Gaspard in front of his own keyboard, listening to the music that this new guy that had suddenly appeared in his life, was playing, he decided it was enough.  
No more time slipping from his hands, no more selfpity, no more sorrow. He couldn't be what he had to be, but he could be who he wanted to be. Someone different from the rest.

But he had to stand up and start walking towards his dreams, because yes, Gaspard as many things in life, appeared out of nowhere, but if he didn't open his heart, then it wouldn't matter if he would have appeared or not.

You have chances, you have little miracles, but if you don't work hard, those miracles will pass by and evetually they'll be gone. Everything will still be the same, boring, meaningless, just minutes on the clock, ticking without stoping while you don't apreciate them as the brief, quiet moments that desappear one after the other, that they are. And this was the only life that he had, it couldn't be that way. It couldn't just be hours passing by without being filled with something productive.  
Some people, whom he loved after all, may have been against the things that could make him happy. But if he wasn't hurting anybody, who were they to deprive him from doing whatever he wanted?

\- Hey! Come back to earth. - Gaspard was smiling and Xavier noticed that he had stopped playing minutes ago.

\- Sorry. - He offered a little apologetic smile. - You are really good playing piano.

\- Thanks. Took me a lot of practice.

\- I wish I could play that well. I haven't tried to make music in years. – He stood up, stretching his back and lighted two cigarettes, offering one to Gaspard. The latter thanked him and they walked towards the window together.

\- Why don't you play any music anymore?

\- Well... I haven't been quite myself in a while... Especially since my mother kicked me out. My life seemed to stop since that day. I started to avoid doing everything that I love because it didn't felt right. Like... I had more important things to think about... You know? My future and all of that shit.

\- And... Did you find any happiness in all that sacrifice? - Gaspard was staring, leaned against the wall next to the open window; Xavier smiled and pointed at him with a finger.

\- You just love to make all of those mind blowing questions, don't you?

The guy scratched his head and shrugged.

\- Not really, I just think it's interesting to know what's in your mind.

\- I'm interesting? - Xavier lifted his eyebrows and shook his head. - You are the interesting one! You have some kind of mysterious way of being... - He trailed of, blushing. - It's... Attractive.

They both remained silent for what felt like ages. But then Gaspard got closer to him and took a strand of Xavier's messy hair to put it behind his ear.

\- You're attractive and interesting. And nothing you can say will make me think otherwise. - His voice was so sweet, so calm. Xavier felt his heart racing just by hearing it.

\- T-thank you... Can I... Can I ask you something? - He stuttered and Gaspard nodded, distracted by playing with the tips of his hair. This man was going to drive him crazy with all of those soft touches. - Am I the only person that you say goodbye to with a kiss on the cheek? Cause I haven't... Seen you doing that to anybody else.

\- Yeah... Does it bother you?

\- No! No! On contraire, I think is really sweet. But I was wondering why you do that.

\- Because... I think you're cute. - He leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. - Since the day I met you, I like you. - He confessed, staying close to his face. - And I always have this crazy desire ... - He kissed the corner of his mouth and Xavier's hands started to tremble. - Of kissing your mouth. - He kissed his lower lip ever so slightly. - But you didn't know me at all and it would have been inappropriate.

He stood straight again and leaned back against the wall. He looked cautious, as if he would be waiting to be slapped in the face for what he had done. Xavier couldn't take his eyes of him, open mouthed, trying to control the frantic beating of his heart. There was a pause were some kind of electricity started running through his body.

In less than a minute his thoughts ran in at least ten different directions, falling over facts of his life that he didn't want to remember, over the people who would disapprove this, over all of the time that he had spent alone; but all of those thoughts ended up falling over Gaspard. He was standing tense, despite of that calm aura that always surrounded him. Xavier wondered why did he stop. Then it hit him. Gaspard knew exactly how to deal with all of the fear and shame that he held in his soul. He knew that he needed time to figure out if he was comfortable with this or not, if he had the power to start opening his heart.  
This man was smart, he played his cards well. He made his moves fast but at the same time being sure that he was opening his way through all of the shit inside Xavier's mind. Achieving successfuly to get a small space that would grow. Igniting a flame to melt the ice that covered it all. Xavier was enamoured of that small flame, that tender warm feeling in his belly.

\- Sorry... I shouldn't have done that. - Gaspard mumbled. Xavier stared down. - I know that you're not ready for this.

\- Don't be sorry... I'm not... I... - His thoughts were still too dispersed, his heart still beating too fast.

When his eyes rose up and he saw Gaspard's kind smile. He felt a wave of fondness, of gratefulness, he wasn't pressuring him, he was just allowing him to know that he knew how fucked up his mind was and that he didn't care, that he wanted to be with him no matter what. That thought made him bite his lower lip and smile back. He stepped forward, touching briefly one of Gaspard's hands. The latter raised his eyebrows but didn't do move, feeling as if Xavier would be a curious wild animal, analysing him to see if he was safe in this situation. Though, he moved one finger slowly, caressing the other's palm. It was so delicate, Xavier thought, this man was so charming and tender, making every single little touch a mesmerizing experience.

  
He couldn't control himself anymore. He closed the gap between them and stood on his toes, closing his eyes, to kiss him. Gaspard looked surprised for a fraction of second, probably because he thought Xavier would need more time to be ok with this. But he didn't know that he didn't want to wait anymore. That he had enough with losing time and not taking chances.

Gaspard took Xavier by the hips with a soft push, making him put all of his weight against him. His lips were as soft as he imagined and Xavier let go a long breath through his nose, somehow relaxing instead of losing his mind.  
They remained in that position for an undefined amount of time, maybe seconds, maybe hours; it was difficult to tell when all of their senses were focused on each other.  
When people describes first kisses, they always talk about fireworks, butterflies in your stomach and all of that corny stuff. But this was so different. So calm and warm. It felt right, just right. As if it would be the perfect moment and the perfect person. And, yes, that was corny too. But he didn't mind to have a little of that thoughts right now. Though, he couldn't stop trembling. Gaspard's fingers released his hips to travel down his arms slowly and took his hands as if he just knew, holding them against his chest to make him feel reassured.  
Xavier backed away a little, breaking the kiss and opening his eyes. Gaspard stared back, he looked peaceful but there was a light in his gaze that wasn't there before. The younger man wondered himself what had he done so well to meet such a great person. He wanted to get to know him better, to spend his free time with him, to see his beautiful smile everyday... His eyes widened when he finally understood. He didn't only liked him, he was in love. And he had barely spent a month of his life with Gaspard. It was so irrational for him. He couldn't help it, but he was afraid and he suddenly felt like running away. A big part of him started to panic, the adrenaline in his stomach rose up to his chest and didn't allowed him to breath properly.  
Gaspard saw the fear in his face and kissed the tip of his nose, he had predicted that this was going to happen. He wrapped his arms around Xavier's little body, the latter reciprocated the hug despite of his rush of feelings, and Gaspard whispered in his ear.

\- Don't worry. I would never hurt you intentionally.

\- But if you ever go away? - Xavier whispered back with his face pressed against his chest and his voice muffled by the other's shirt.

\- I'll never go knowing that you want me to stay.

\- And if my mother finds out about this and tries to ruin what we have? - He closed his shaky hands into fists.

\- I would never allow anyone to get between us. - Gaspard answered and buried his face in Xavier's hair.

\- And... What if someday, my own fear makes me want to walk away?

There was a moment of silence, Xavier grew tense by it, but when Gaspard opened his mouth to answer, all of his fears disappeared.

\- Then I'll let you go until you feel like you want to come back. Xavier... - He took him by the shoulders and pulled him back enough to see his face. - I'm not saying that, if you want to be with me, this will be perfect. I'm just saying that I will do my best for it to be like that and I'll be by your side whenever you need me.

Xavier sighed, closing his eyes, and rested his forehead against Gaspard's chest.

\- I do want to be with you. - He mumbled. Gaspard closed his eyes too and kissed Xavier's head.

\- Then... Do you want this?

\- I never thought I would be able to say it... But, yes... Yes, I do.


	9. Never a completely good day

Another weekend alone... And even worse, free of work.  
He couldn't say he didn't like the silence, it was relaxing, but at the same time it allowed his mind to scream at him. He walked around his apartment doing this and that, trying to keep his hands occupied, but that voice in his head wouldn't shut up.  
_Why can't you just move on? Why do you have to be so weak? Why do you have to remember him at all the time? Why can't you feel better?_  
Pedro loved his loneliness as much as he hated it. It was good not having to smile all the time, so his friends won't be concerned, but being constantly miserable was making him feel exhausted, he even started to think that it was making him look old prematurely.  
He stared out the window and his eyes zeroed in, looking at the people walking on the sidewalk. Months passed by, feeling as if they would be years without him. The winters found him alone on his bed, with their cold constantly making him move around in his sleep, trying to feel the warmth of Mehdi's body. The ruthless springs walked with him through the parks full of lovers and flowers. The summers left him lying against the cold floor, exhausted physically and mentally. But autumns were the worst, becuase it was at the end of an autumn when Mehdi flew away. Pedro was as withered as the leafs those days, hardly being able to smile or breathe.  
Three years... And the pain in his chest had not been reduced. Not even a little.  
Thinking that someone's presence in your life is completely indispensable for you to be happy it's stupid, and he knew it. But then, why was he so sad?  
Why couldn't he just be happy whit what he had?  
The love of his friends towards him was unconditional. He loved working at his record store, and even more now that he had Xavier to help him and be by his side. He had two apartments. Even money wasn't a problem... And yet, when he walked inside of his flat every night, the fact that it was empty made him want to cry. Every little corner of it contained a memory, a beautiful one, but remembering them, when he couldn't live things like that anymore, was sad.  
Sometimes, he could almost hear Mehdi's laugh at his back. Sometimes, he could see him standing next to him at the corner of his eye. But every time he turned around, there was nobody. Was he going crazy?  
His phone buzzed a couple of times, a foreign number. He decided not to answer.

\- I'm sorry, whoever you are. - He mumbled, staring at his cellphone. - I don't feel like talking with strangers right now.

The weekend ended and he felt as if he wouldn't have moved from his position in front of the window in all of that time.

 

That Monday’s afternoon, when they were about to close, Pedro noticed that Xavier had been too excited during the entire day. Watching him walking all over the store, organizing and reorganizing things with a goofy smile, infected Pedro with his joy, even if he didn't know why he looked so happy. This was usual, whenever his friends felt good, for those brief moments he was alright too

\- Xav, what's going on? - He asked and his friend’s head appeared comically from behind a shelving.

\- What's going on with what?

\- Oh! Come on! You can't hide any secret from mama! – He said and he stood in front of the counter, crossing his arms like his mother used to stand when she catched him doing some innocent devilry when he was a child.

It was good to feel like he was the protector of their "family". It made him feel like he had something to worry about, leaving his own life aside. His little pidgeons would never fly from his nest. He would always take care of them and they would always do the same for him.

\- I kissed Gaspard - Xavier admitted, and his head disappeared again as he hid behind the records.

\- WHAT?

\- And we decided to try and have a relationship. - Xavier's voice said from behind another shelving. He was moving around almost crawling, like they used to do when they were kids and played hide and seek at the store, under the amused gaze of Pedro's dad who never failed to remind them to be carefull with the records around them.  
Xavier and Pedro were neighborhood friends when they were little, but they went to different schools. Thibaut was always locked in his home at that time, so when he had some spare time, Xavi was allowed to spend it between these same walls.

\- OH MY GOD! - Pedro exclaimed and then laughed a little when he heard his friend's giggle around the corner of the ‘Classic records’ shelves. - That's it! I'm gonna catch you, you brat.

He started searching for him trying not to make a sound, always finding his friend turning corners faster than the speed of light. Finally he gave a quick glance at the other side of the 'Disco' shelving and saw Xavier crawling at the other end of the little hallway, with his back turned at him. He was expecting him to appear at the wrong side. He walked slowly, but Xavier heard the steps and let out a high pitched scream when he turned his head in time to see him practically jumping over his body. Pedro stumbled and Xavier managed to escape at the last second, but a hand grabbed his ankle making him fall, face down on the floor.

\- Got you!

\- Oh fuck! No one ever escapes from mama P! - Xavier was twisting and fighting to get free.

Pedro dragged Xavier towards him, pulling of his jeans and almost taking them off unintentionally, until they were both hugging and laughing on the floor.  
It was a long time since neither of them could do that kind of childish things. It was good, therapeutic even. It made them remember those years where everything was easy and the biggest problem in their lifes was a missing toy.

\- I guess I just missed the fun. - A voice said above their heads and they looked up to see Thibaut smiling. - Come on, little kids. I brought coffee! Stand up and start acting like grown ups.

They closed the store and went up stairs to Pedro's apartment so they could have their little coffee break in peace.

\- You!!! - Xavier said out of nowhere pointing at Thibaut. - You have to tell us what happened in your date with Chris!

His friend started stuttering incomprehensible things and blushing. They were all sitting on the floor in Pedro's living room. It was a long time since they didn't do that either. When they were teenagers, and Thibaut started to go out more, they all used to have lunch together there, always ignoring the table and sitting wherever they wanted, wich was usually the floor.

\- Seems like I'm the only one who had a calm weekend. - Pedro said and smiled despite of how sad that fact was.

Thibaut stared down with his cheeks burning hot and finally opened his mouth to say something coherent.

\- I t-think it's official... - His friends raised their eyebrows. - We are boyfriends now.

The entire neighbourhood heard Pedro's scream of joy. He hugged Thibaut and Xavier got closer to kiss his cheek.

\- I'm so happy for you two. My little boys found love. - Pedro made a dreamy dumb face. - They grow up so fast.

\- Oh, shut up! - Xavier answered but, as his friends were laughing, he suddenly went serious. - What about you now?

Thibaut stopped laughing almost as fast as Pedro. The latter stared at him. His eyes were suddenly sad, but he had a kind smile.

\- Don't worry about me. - He stared out the window. - I'm ok.

\- We know you, Pedro. - Thibaut whispered, frowning. - We know that lately you're feeling even worse.

The three of them went silent. The older guy sighed and stared back, first watching at Xavier who rested his hand over his, then slowly at Thibaut.

\- Please, don't worry guys... For real. - A thunder sounded in the distance. - It's going to start raining soon. You should go home; I don't want any of you catching a cold.

Pedro insisted enough for them to leave before the storm started. When he was finally alone, he dropped himself on the bed. The bedroom was dark and the only things illuminating it were the lights from the street, creeping in through the window and falling over his body.  
He was ok... Well, he was going to be ok... Eventually.

He loved the fact that his friends were in relationships now. It was about time for Xavier, and Thibaut had fought a lot to be with Chris. They both deserved to finally have someone. But the fact that he was the only one lonely now tasted really bitter. A tear fell on the pillow, and soon he was crying again. The rain started to fall, as if the sky would want to make him company.  
His phone went off again. He took it and stared at it for a minute. The same foreign number.  
He rolled on his side and kicked off his shoes, then took off his jeans and hid under the covers. He still wasn't in the mood to talk with strangers.

 

Tuesday morning, the cold breeze made him rush to go inside the store, fighting with his keys and finally achieving to go in. Xavier wouldn't be there until afternoon, so he had to spend half the day alone, like always... Or that's what he thought.  
Fifteen minutes after he went inside, the glass door opened and he turned around from the shelving where he was adding some new records.  
A short guy, blonde hair, beautiful green eyes. He was cute and chubby, and his smile was kind, half hidden under his beard.

\- Hello, how can I help you? - Pedro said and left the records that he still had to put on their place, over the counter.

\- Hello, my name is Bertrand. I own the photography studio that just opened right next to this store. You're Pedro right? - Pedro nodded and smiled. He had seen the opening sign before trying desperatly to go inside to escape the cold. - Great, the guys from the cafeteria talked about you, they say you're really cool and I thought that I could come over and say hi.

\- Oh! Really nice to meet you then! - They shook hands. Pedro had a good feeling about this guy. - You can come over whenever you want. Plus, I'm always lonely in the mornings. - _In fact, I'm always lonely_.

\- Thank you. Well... I'm not opening until tomorrow so right now I have nothing to do. Would you... Aaam... Like for me to go to the cafeteria and buy us some coffee?

\- Oh, sure! I haven't had any breakfast yet.

Twenty minutes later, Bertrand was back with their coffees and they were both sitting on the chairs behind the counter. Three or four costumers interrupting their conversation.

\- I'll probably come here to buy you some records tomorrow, you know? - The shorter guy said when the little lady, that wanted some metal records, had left smiling at her purchased vynils. - Would love to have some good music playing in the background as I work.

\- I'll gift you the first records then. Like... A good luck present.

\- Really? That's so cool!

They smiled to each other. Pedro felt really good with this new guy by his side. Making new friends was something he loved. Every single person had a new story to be discovered. And Bertrand had a light in his eyes that talked about kindness, not even a little of malice.

The day ended fast with him almost not noticing it. Soon he was back at his flat, alone. But for the first time in his life, that didn't feel like such a bad thing.  
He took off his shoes and was about to start cooking dinner when his phone went off. That foreign number blinking on the screen. He sighed and decided to finally answer. At least to tell that person that it was probably calling to a wrong number.

\- Hello - He said sighing, but when the voice that asnwered from the other end of the call sounded familiar his heart sank and then jumped, beating so fast that he had to lean against the wall to find some support.

\- Hi, Pierre. - There was only one person in the world who called him by his real name. But it couldn't be true. Not after all these years. Not at the exact moment when he was slowly starting to feel better. It wasn't fair. - It's been a long time.

\- Mehdi. - He whispered, his eyes open wide. That single word taking all of the air out of his lungs. He allowed himself to slide against the wall until he was sitting on the floor. His head spinning.  
He should have never answered that call.


	10. Words of wisdom

Pedro had no words to describe his pain. Every little piece of his heart was shattered and strewn on the floor. He tried to breathe normally but his own uncontrollable sobs were making it really hard. A real physical pain in his chest made him think that he was about to die. And for a moment, he considered it as a good choice. He was standing in front of the window again. How easy it would be to just open it and jump?

The truth was that Pedro, as many people, had made a huge mistake. Looking back he understood that, all of this time, he kept on living without healing because he thought that there was some hope for their relationship. Therefore, every passing day was a torture, but a weak torment if it meant that he would see Mehdi again. But when a person becomes your entire world, you forget to live for yourself. In his case, it meant that everything he did, was done carefully so he wouldn't advance at all, because any little change could mean to lose the person he loved. How many times had he said to Xavier that he needed to change? That he needed to do things for himself, when he wasn't doing anything for his own self? He was pathetic and now he felt as if he would be a nobody.

 

Xavier had just got inside his apartment when Thibaut phoned him. His friend didn't even say hi, in fact, he only said three unconnected things that, together, meant that something was really wrong, before hanging up.

\- Pedro. My apartment. Now!

He didn't need to listen anything else. Xavier opened the door and went down stairs running. Then crossed the little yard and got inside the front building without stopping until he got to Thibaut's apartment. He knocked only once and the door opened.  
The sound of Pedro crying slaped him in the face as he stared at Chris's worried look.

\- Mehdi called. - He said and Xavier's soul fell to the ground.

He stepped inside and the image in front of him made his heart ache. Pedro was sitting on the ground, his back pressed against Thibaut's chest who was hugging him, leaned against the couch. Gaspard was next to him with a hand on his knee. Xavier tried to momentarily ignore the feeling of gratitude towards him. He didn't even knew Pedro that well, but he knew Mehdi's story, and he was there to show that he cared. He would thank him later.  
Xav and Chris walked towards them in silence and sat on the floor as close as possible.

\- What did he say? - Xavier mumbled and dried a tear from his friend's cheek with a soft finger.

Pedro only shook his head in response.

\- He hasn't said anything since he walked in and told me that Mehdi called. – Thibaut answered as he caressed Pedro's arms.

Xavier frowned. He knew, more than anyone, how to deal with Pedro in these situations. He took his friend’s face with both hands and got closer.

\- Pedro, listen to me. – But he closed his eyes and shook his head again. - No! Listen! It's us. Your friends. Your family. We want to help you. Open your eyes and look at me. - The broken man rested his hands over his, which were still holding his face up. Xavier waited while everybody around remained silent. Pedro slowly opened his eyes and a tear made his way down his cheek. - You know we will always be here for you... But we can't help you if you don't talk to us. - He leaned in and kissed the tip of his nose. - Please. You don't need to suffer this alone.

Pedro seemed to come back to reality. He nodded and Xavier let go of his face to sit straight.

\- He's coming here this weekend. - He finally said after a long and tense silence. - He needs to pick some things up and take them to his apartment in America, because... - He stifled a sob. - Because someone offered him a really good job and he's going to stay there. He says he already has a life in that city. That he even has a dog. - Everybody held his breath in shock. - He's never coming back.

He closed his eyes again and started tugging at his own hair. It took a moment for all of them to react, making a group hug for him to feel supported.  
They spent the entire night trying to make him feel better. But it seemed like a lost cause. Pedro left in the morning, claiming that he was really sorry for not letting them sleep before going to college and that he would be at the record store.

 

\- Hi! - He was sitting behind the counter staring at nothing at all when a voice took him by surprise. - Are you ok?

He raised his head. Bertrand was standing in front of him. He seemed to be worried. Pedro tried to picture in his head how bad he probably looked. His eyes were red and puffy for sure, his hair was probably a mess and he didn't even change his clothes since last night.

\- Hi... Yeah... I'm... I had a bad night, that's all. - He tried to smile. But it came out so fake that the guy in front of him raised an eyebrow.

\- And since when you have “a bad night”? - Pedro sighed, apparently he wasn't able to hide anything, not even to the people who barely knew him.

\- Too long. - He admitted.

Bertrand smiled warmly.

\- Would you mind not opening your store today? - Pedro didn't understand. - I'll show you how I face sadness.

 

Soon they were walking down the streets. Bertrand stopped at his own store to take his camera, and now it was dangling from his neck. They ate breakfast at a coffee shop and, two hours later, they were lying on the grass at a park. The changing weather of an ending Spring made this a pleasant sunny day.  
Pedro had his eyes closed and Bertrand was looking at him. He grabbed his camera and took a picture without the other one noticing it. Then he sat straight.

\- Feeling a little better? - He whispered and Pedro smiled weakly.

\- Actually... Yes. Thanks for taking me out.

\- No problem. This always relaxes me. Just sitting in the ground, doing nothing, surrounded by unknown people who doesn't even look at me. – Bertrand stared at his camera while Pedro opened his eyes and turned his head to glance at him. - It's good, the indifference... At least in that aspect. Makes me feel free.

\- Sounds like you have been under a lot of pressure.

\- Well... - He got closer and lay down beside him, taking one of his hands and holding it against his chest. - Aren't we all always under pressure?

He nodded. Bertrand closed his eyes and hummed a soft tune.

This guy was different, Pedro decided. His friends were always a rush of feelings, stumbling and making mistakes, helping eachother, and falling again. Like a bunch of teenagers learning how to live... Like waves in the sea, crushing and spinning until they found the solutions for their problems and made their way to solid ground.  
Bertrand, on the other hand, was peace. As if he had learnt how to walk through the chaos without being affected by it. Like that moment when you make a difficult decision and all the weight in your shoulders dessapears because all you have to do, from that moment on, is stick to what you have chosen. That was the feeling that he transmited, the tranquility of living satisfied with what you are and what you choose to have and do.  
Maybe that was the reason why he was feeling better with him after a couple of hours in his company, when his friends couldn't help him with a full night of hugs and reassuring words. It wasn't that he didn't feel right with them. The difference was that they had a different energy, they were concerned, confused, sad and didn't know exactly what to say. Bertrand just took him out and told him to take a break, to distract a little, to enjoy the simple fact that this was a great day and that his problems were something that could wait.

\- Why haven't you asked me what's wrong? - Pedro shooted the question without thinking and Bertrand stopped humming and turned his head slightly, sprawling his hair in the grass.

\- You didn't want to tell me. - He shrugged. - When people say things like "I just had a bad night" or "It's been a rough day" but they don't give you any details, it means that they don't even want to think about it or that they don't want to annoy you with their problems.

Pedro unconsciously pouted while considering it.

\- You're right. - Bertrand stroked the back of his hand with a finger and Pedro smiled.

\- Though, you can always tell me if that's what you need.

Pedro sighed and stared up, to the light of the sun creeping between the leafs and boughs of the trees.

\- I guess I should talk about it. I've been avoiding the subject for quite some time. - His new friend frowned and laid on its side, burying an elbow in the grass and resting his head on the palm of his hand. - I had a boyfriend. One of the most important persons in my life. His name is Mehdi. His father hated the fact that we were together and decided to send him away more than three years ago and... He was such a smiling, happy person. And I'm a fool because I made his smiles my smiles and I made his happiness my happiness. And, when he went away, he took all of that with him and I was left with nothing but my sorrow. Life didn't had any sense without him, but I held on to the hope that he would come back and make everything meaningful again.

Pedro made a pause and took a long breath. In the meantime, Bertrand took another picture of him without being noticed.

\- Last night he called. He told me he got a job... That he would come this weekend to pick up some things from his house to take them to America because he's planning to stay there... And that he would never come back. - He rubbed his eyes with two fingers. - I know I can live without him, but I just don't know how.

\- Haven't you been living without him all of this time? - Pedro raised his eyebrows and turned to stare at those huge green eyes. - You have... - Bertrand gave him one of his warm smiles and Pedro melted on the inside. - You can hold on, if you want to. But you're the only one who can free yourself. I think you're worth of a happy life only because you're alive, who are the others to take that off of your hands? No one should be your reason to live. You have to do it because you're worth it. You can't tell me you don't know how to do something that you've been doing for more than three years. He hasn't been here, and still you are in front of me now, in one piece... Right?

Bertrand made a pause and then he reached out and caressed the corners of Pedro's mouth.

  
\- The smiles are right here, and they are all yours. - He said and Pedro automatically beamed in response. - Believe me, it doesn't matter how bad you feel, if you're able to sincerely smile to someone or something, at least for one second, that means that your happiness it's still here too.

All of a sudden, Pedro started to laugh, he couldn't believe it, but he was actually laughing. He started to cry too, out of realising how true those words were.  
Bertrand took one last picture, but this time Pedro noticed it and took the camera off of his hands to take a picture of him, who was smiling, unaware of how the sun was illuminating the tips of his hair, making him look like some kind of angel.

\- I haven't heard anything more beautiful in my entire life. - Pedro finally said, cleaning away one tear from the corner of his eye. - And I want this photo of you, so I'll remember the day when someone finally said what I needed to hear. - Bertrand nodded. - You don't know what you've just done... - He, aparently, wasn't able to stop smiling. - Thank you so much.


	11. The calm

Chris was sitting at his own apartment, writing in a paper as fast as he could. Since Thursday morning he couldn't stop thinking in the lyrics for a song. The words were suddenly triggered in his mind when he woke up next to Thibaut.  
That morning he played with his boyfriend's strands of messy hair, while his own sleepy thoughts danced around old memories. He remembered those times when they were younger and he tried to avoid thinking about him.Thibaut was really shy back then. It was impossible to know if he was being indifferent or if he really liked Chris and that's why he acted so strange.  
Chris fell in love with him weeks after they met for the first time. It was only logical. Those beautiful eyes, every thought that he made into words, the way he would hide his face with his hair when he was blushing... Christopher was mesmerized. But trying to understand his actions towards him was all but painful. So he tried to date other people, failing horribly.  
Sitting alone at his desk, he raised his head and looked at an old picture of them that he had sticked to the wall. Around it, there were at least ten more pictures of him with the guys. He smiled. When those photos were taken it was a difficult time for him, but with them, he managed to be happy.  
His gaze traveled through their younger faces. But a pair of arms, hugging him from the back, took him by surprise and he blinked confused for one second. But it could only be one person, because nobody else had the keys of his apartment.

\- What are you doing? - Thibaut's voice whispered in his ear and Chris shivered.

He didn't really know the effect he had over him.

\- I'm writing the lyrics of a song for you.

\- For me?

\- Yes, I think they match pretty well with the tune that you were playing the other day. Would you like to help me?

Thibaut nodded enthusiastically, sitting by his side with his eyes wide open, and then flushed while reading what Chris had already composed.  
They got into work, but of course there were moments of distraction, where a hand caressed the other's skin, or a simple kiss transformed into something way more passionate. Thibaut always sighed when Chris caressed one of his cheeks with the tip of his nose. It was something that he liked to do, even when they were just friends, but it was always disguised as an accidental touch when they hugged.  
When they felt that their work was finished, Chris glanced at the clock and frowned. It was 8pm. Tonight was going to be tough. He stared at Thibaut and the latter was beaming with his gaze on the paper.

\- I think I've got a title for it. - He mumbled, and then his eyes met with Chris's - Could it be 'Baby, I'm yours'?

They both shared a moment of silence, smiling at each other. Chris kissed him softly and then backed away just a little bit to whisper.

\- It's perfect.

 

Pedro was at Bertrand's flat. They had agreed earlier that day that he would have dinner with him to try and relax before going to Xavier's apartment.  
Bertrand had been by his side as much as possible, but it wasn't only him the one who appeared at the record store in the morning to drink coffee and chat, seeking for some company. Pedro had to admit that he had left Xavier alone a couple of days, for two or three hours in the afternoon, to spend a little of time with him too.  
The younger boy didn't mind, of course. In fact, Xavier encouraged him to spend time with Bertrand. He had met him the day after Mehdi's call, and he immediately understood why Pedro was suddenly looking better than ever. The man was all peace and happiness.  
Pedro was amused by the fact that Bertrand lived in the same apartment complex than the guys, but it wasn't much of a surprise. After all, it was the cheapest place to rent in the zone and Bertrand had just opened his store, so he wouldn't have much money for a while. Plus, the entire photographic equipment was really expensive, and Pedro didn't really need to ask to know that Bertrand probably had saved up for years to buy it all.  
The flat itself was a little bit of a mess, photos all over the place, paints, spare equipment and pencils, watercolours... Art, art, art everywhere. But, inside the place you could feel the easy energy, the good vibe. Like in a sanctuary. A place where you would hide from the world.

They were finishing their dinner when a few knocks on the door interrupted their conversation.

\- I'll go! – Pedro said and he stood up.

When he opened the door, there was Xavier with Gaspard, standing by his side.

\- I'm sorry for the intrusion. I was talking with Gaspard about Bertrand and he insisted in...

\- GASPARD?! - Bertrand practically jumped off of his chair.

\- I knew it was you! - Gaspard exclaimed, hugging him.

\- You two know each other? - Xavier was smiling a little despite of his curiosity, because that look on Gaspard's eyes and his smile were way too beautiful, full of that kind of nostalgia that assaults you when you find something that makes you remember your childhood.

\- Bertrand and I were neighborhood friends. Really, the only person that I regretted not seeing anymore when I moved out. - He frowned a little and turned to look at his old friend. - But what are you doing here? I didn't told you where I was going when I left.

\- Well... First of all, why don't you two stay for a while? I was just about to make some coffee.

They both accepted the offer and went inside.

Fifteen minutes later, Xavier and Pedro were staring at a collection of three pictures that the latter didn't saw when he got inside the apartment. They were one above the other, hanging on the wall beside the window.

\- When did you take these pictures? I love them! - Xavier asked Bertrand who was making coffee while chatting happily with Gaspard.

\- Thank you! Just the other day, in the park. - He answered and Gaspard distracted him with a question about their old friends.

It was the most captivating transition that they had seen in their lives, and in the three of them you could see Pedro, from the chest up, resting on the grass.  
The first picture was in black and white and he had his eyes closed. He looked as if the whole weight of the world would be resting over his shoulders, devastated, hopeless.  
In the second one Pedro had his mouth open and his eyes staring up to the sky. The photo looked as if it would have a grey filter, so the colours were present, but they seemed faded. It made you feel as if suddenly everything would be a bit better, but not quite there.  
The third one had the brightest colours. Pedro was laughing with tears in his eyes, but you could easily tell that those were tears of joy. Compared with the first picture, in this one he was practically shining.

\- This is what he did to you, you know? - Xavier whispered and Pedro raised his eyebrows. - I don't know how... But he brought back the shiny person that you used to be. - His friend smiled from ear to ear and hugged him. - It makes me really happy. - Xavier added against Pedro’s t-shirt.

Bertrand was placing the cups of coffee on the eating counter, when he finally decided to answer the question that Gaspard had made at the door. He raised his head as the others got closer to take their respecting cups.

\- I really didn't know you were here. - They sat by the table, all eyes were on him. - You know... The things that happened in my house. - Gaspard expresion became immediately serious and he nodded. Pedro and Xavier frowned at the sudden change in the mood of the conversation. - These last months things got worse... Well, these last years, actually. I couldn't live there anymore. - He made a pause, as if the next phrase would be something that he had to think word by word. - My father was... Drinking more and more every passing day, and... - Bertrand stared down. - Lately he's been more agressive.

He raised the sleeve of his jacket. The ghost of a bruise, that was about to disappear, stained his white skin near his elbow, and closer to his wrist was another one that was dangerously close to look like someone would have grabbed him furiously and he would have had to fight to get free.  
Pedro’s jaw hit the floor while Xavier's eyes opened wide. Gaspard made a pained face and held Bertrand's hand across the table. The latter stared at him, looking sad for the first time since Pedro met him.

\- I just... Decided it was enough. I had the money to open the store but the photographic equipment is so expensive that I would have had to sleep in there for at least two months before being able to rent a place. - He smiled a little. - But my aunt knew about my dad... She... She lives a few blocks away from here. When I told her that I wanted to leave, she told me about this apartment complex and the empty store next to Pedro's, and then she gave me enough money to pay two months of rent.

Everyone remained silent, trying to swallow Bertrand's bitter story, but a knot in their throats made it a difficult thing. Who knew how many bruises had that body have? Who knew how many times he bled? Who knew for how long he had suffered?  
Pedro was stunned. Bertrand's words at the park had even more meaning now. Every phrase echoing in his head.

" _You're the only one who can free himself._ "

You have to be extremely strong.

" _I think you're worth of a happy life only because you're alive._ "

To say that kind of things. To think in such a positive way.

" _Who are the others to take that off of your hands?_ "

To be able to smile so warmly, everyday, and transmit so much happiness to the people around you.

" _Believe me, it doesnt matter how bad you feel, if you're able to sincerely smile to someone or something, at least for one second, that means that your happiness it's still here too._ "

When you have had such a tough life.

 

\- You're so amazing. - The words came out of Pedro's mouth as whisper, because he was still shocked.

Bertrand beamed, all traces of sadness disappearing.

\- You made the best decision. - Gaspard smiled too, tightening his grip on his friend's hand. - It's good that destiny pulled us back together. I'm happy to have you back and I'm definitely grateful to know that you're out of that hell.

\- You're not only amazing, you're the most amazing person in the world! - Xavier said and he rested his hand above the one that Gaspard was holding. - And you didn't only got out of that hell, you helped one my best friends, and he's happy again... You're like... I want to be your friend! - He smiled and they all laughed.

\- Thank you, guys. Thank you so much.

After that, Bertrand was back to being the most positive person in the room and the mood was contagious. But, half an hour later, they stared up at the clock and suddenly the place went quiet.

  
\- It's time... He must be at the airport right now. He'll be here anytime soon. - Pedro mumbled. – Bertrand, would you...? Would you...? - He bit his lip.

\- You're asking me if I would go with you to Xavier's apartment to meet him? – Bertrand asked, eyes bright. Pedro nodded hesitantly. - Would it make you feel a little better? - He nodded again. - Then, I would love to.

Pedro jumped over Bertrand to hug him, muttering words of thankfulness. It was a happy moment but they knew that the next hours may not be like that.

Mehdi was already in town.


	12. The storm?

**“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” - Haruki Murakami**

There's calm before the storms, or that's what people usually say. And maybe it is true. Maybe it's not. Maybe what it's a storm or not, and what it's calm or not, depends on people's perception. And there's always expectations about it. Yes, expectations, because sometimes what you expected to be a storm it's not. Sometimes what you think that it's the storm it's just the soft rain that will become the storm later. And sometimes, when you discover that what you thought that was going to be a storm, it's not, and you think that everything is going to be ok, the sky gets cloudy out of nowhere and the rain pours down on you, without warning.

Xavier, and pretty much everyone, thought that this was going to be tough. But, strangely, it wasn't.

Mehdi walked in with his wide smile and his bright eyes, and it felt as if he had never left and nothing would have happened. Everyone hugged him, Pedro was the last one. Their hug was long and they both closed their eyes. Gaspard and Bertrand were presented to him and he hugged them too, as if they would be old friends.

He looked different though. And it took a little of time to adjust to his presence. But it was pleasant to hear his laugh again.

He was taller, thinner and his hair was shorter. Xavier remembered him smelling different. He remembered him looking less tired too, but that was probably because of the jet lag.

Bertrand was holding Pedro's hand and Xavier wasn’t sure if he took it or if Pedro did. Anyway, they looked as if it would be the most natural thing in the world and nobody seemed to care.  
  
Everybody was trying to chat with Mehdi about America, but he was constantly changing the subject to ask about them. His smile widened when he heard about who were in a relationship now. Xavier could swear he heard when Mehdi whispered in Thibaut's ear about how proud he was of him.

Five minutes later he got closer to Xav and took him to his room, putting an arm around his shoulders and shooting a strange glance to Gaspard. That wasn't a surprise, he saw it coming. Mehdi and Pedro were overprotective with him as much as they were with Thibaut.

The second they got inside, he started making rushed questions.

\- So, who is this guy, Gaspard? Is he good with you? He's not aggressive or anything like that, right? 'Cause if he is, I swear...

\- Calm down! - Xavier interrupted him and, despite of his frown, he smiled. - He is new in town, came from far away and goes to college with us. He's extremely good with me. And... Does he even seem aggressive?

\- No, you're right. He actually seems to be a really quiet person. - Mehdi looked down, embarrassed. - I'm sorry.

\- It's ok.

\- I'm glad that you've found someone. – He looked up. - But if he ever hurts you...

\- Relax. - Xavier put a hand on his shoulder. - If that happens, it's gonna be ok. I have the boys with me, they will never leave. They will always support me and stay by my... - He trailed off because that sounded as if he would be accusing Mehdi of going away. - I mean... I didn't want it to sound like... What I meant was...

\- I know... - Mehdi offered him a smile, understanding. - Don't worry about it.

When they walked out of the room, the beers on the fridge were far gone and Xavier's livingroom was full of laughter, but there was something tense, something lingering in the air that made Xavier feel like he would be forgetting an important issue. His eyes traveled trough the room and, when he noticed that Pedro's hand was still grabbing Bertrand's, it dawned on him.

Pedro and Mehdi probably needed to talk.

Xavier didn't know how to feel about it. At first, he wanted to take Pedro out and away from this situation. But then he wasn’t sure. He knew it had to happen sooner or later, but it scared him. Gaspard noticed his uneasiness and got closer to whisper at his ear.

\- What is it? - Xavier glanced at him at the corner of his eye - You look worried.

Xavier grabbed him by the hand and took him out of the apartment and down the hallway. They turned around a corner and stopped at the little hall that lead to the stairs.

\- I'm scared. - Xavier said, leaning against the wall. - They need to talk... I'm pretty sure they will. And I don't know how it's going to affect Pedro. He's doing so well now, I don't want to see him fall again.

He had his reasons. Over the last years, Pedro's happiness was like a house of cards, difficult to build up, easy to destroy. So easy, actually, that the softest breeze was able to make it crumble. And for him, Mehdi wasn't just a breeze, it was a tornado.

\- He'll be ok. - Gaspard caressed his cheek and kissed the tip of his nose. Xavier closed his eyes, sighing, already feeling a little reassured.- I think Bertrand did that thing to him...

Xav opened his eyes slowly to stare at him with a little smile, just because despite of his concern, the fact that Gaspard was so close, was distracting. He got on his toes and kissed his lower lip softly. Gaspard rested his front against Xavier's, but the younger man's concern was still there. Xavier changed his weight from one foot to the other, but in the end he decided to sit on the floor, with his back against the wall. Gaspard sat next to him.

\- What did you mean with ‘that thing’? - He lighted a cigarette. It wasn't allowed to smoke there, but fuck it. It was late at night and the smell would be gone by the morning.

\- Bertrand has always had this need... In fact, it's an ability to... Kind of... Fix people. - Gaspard was having a hard time describing it. Xavier offered him the cigarette and he took a drag. - I think he does that because he could never “fix” his father. I guess it helps him to forgive himself... Helping others.

\- Yeah... Pedro looks a whole lot better. But... - Gaspard offered him back the cig. - I don't know. I have a strange feeling. Like something is going to happen.  
Gaspard was about to answer when they heard the door of Xavier's apartment. Someone opened it and got out. They both remained silent.

 

 

They didn't need words to know it was the time. Mehdi looked at him and he stared back for one second. Then, he stared at Bertrand and whispered at his ear.

\- Thank you for holding my hand all this time, it helped me a lot. - Bertrand smiled at him and winked.

Pedro let him go and went to the door where Mehdi was waiting. They both walked out.

As soon as he stepped outside, the smell of cigarettes told him that Xavier and Gaspard were probably smoking somewhere near, maybe downstairs. But he didn't really mind. Mehdi closed the door as Pedro was turning to look at him.

\- So... H-how have you been? - Mehdi looked down at his hands, avoiding his stare.

\- Lately I've been ok. Bertrand has been really helpful. - He sighed. - But in all honesty, before I met him, I was a disaster.

\- I'm really sorry. - Mehdi stared up. - But I'm happy... He seems really good for you.

\- What? You mean? - It took him a moment to understand. - Oh! He's not my boyfriend.

\- He's not?

\- No, no. - Pedro chuckled lightly. - I barely know him, actually. But he's really lovely and he cares about me, and somehow managed to help me more, in less than a week, than the guys have been able in years. - Pedro half smiled. - Bertrand is... One of those persons that you can't help to grow fond of, just minutes after you started talking with him.

Mehdi mumbled a week 'oh' and both remained silent.

 

 

\- What are they doing? – Xavier mumbled.

He was a rush of limbs above Gaspard. His boyfriend had the bad luck of being sitting at the end of the hallway, so Xavier was practically resting above him, face down, his mid section above Gaspard's lap. And they were quietly wrestling because Xav was trying to peek his head to glance at his friends, who were around the corner, and Gaspard was trying to stop him.

\- They are going to see you. - Gaspard whispered back. - And if you don't shut up, they will hear you too. - He covered his mouth with his hand, trying not to laugh of how ridiculous they probably looked.

 

 

\- It's been hard, you know? - Pedro finally said. - For a long time... And you didn't even called.

\- I'm sorr...

\- Quit apologizing! - Pedro's voice came out just a little too rough. Suddenly angry.

Mehdi made a pained face and stepped back.

\- I did want to call. - He touched the sleeve of his jacket. Nervous. - But I also felt hurt for a long time. I couldn't even think in listening to your voice without being able to see you, nor hug you, nor kissing you. It took me years to try and forget, and to forgive myself. But, when I started to feel better, I was afraid.

Pedro frowned a little, the question in his face.

\- I didn't want to hear you say that you had already forgotten me and were with someone else. I was afraid of it making me fall again. I wanted to believe that maybe you... - They stared at each other for a split second. - But then the time passed by and I understood that I would probably stay there forever, and that it would be selfish of me to make you wait so long for something that probably wouldn't happen. - He ran a hand through his shaved head. - In the end... I didn't call because I wanted you to forget me.

Pedro remained silent, his face unreadable, and after a while, Mehdi stepped closer to him.

 

 

Leaned with their ears against the door, were Chris and Thibaut, trying to listen as much as possible and elbowing each other in a fight for looking through the lock. Across the room, Bertrand was sitting in the window frame, chuckling silently because they looked like little kids.

\- Why are they so silent? - Chris whimpered and Thibaut shushed him while Bertrand muffled a laugh.

 

 

Pedro's mind was a roller coaster of feelings. He wanted to say something but, in the middle of their silence, he found the same tiredness in Mehdi's eyes that he had seen countless of times in his own reflection. Too many years waiting for this moment. He couldn't say he didn't understand.  
He also couldn't say that, after all, he didn't love the man. But that love had changed and he was grateful for that. He opened his arms and Mehdi was surprised, but he closed the gap between them to hug him.  
Like before, they needed no words to understand each other and soon they were laughing.

\- I love you as much as love the guys, you know that, right? - Pedro mumbled and Mehdi nodded against his chest.

\- I love you too.

\- You will call me more often to talk about how your life is going?

\- I will, I promise.

\- Good. - They both sighed. – Let’s go back inside. - Pedro mumbled, with his face resting on his friend's head.

But they couldn't even step inside because they heard a strong knock and a couple of grunts of pain. Bertrand started to laugh, falling on the floor in the process and Mehdi looked behind the door to find Thibaut and Chris holding their heads and still grunting out of hitting their fronts when the door opened.

\- What were you two d...?

\- Fuck!

Pedro looked outside right on time to see Xavier’s upper body appearing around the corner, who had lost his balance, falling forward and hitting his face against the floor, while Gaspard’s laugh resonated through the hallway.

\- Oh for God's sake, guys!


	13. Denied, ignored, exiled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on there will be three new characters. These are not real. I really don't know if they exist or not so their names are not real either.

There are some situations in life that you just know that someday you'll have to face. That kind of unstoppable things that could take you down. Xavier spent a lot of time trying not to think about it, and now that he had Gaspard, it was even worse to imagine it. But, really, it was unavoidable. His childhood home wasn't that far from the apartment complex where he currently lived. A twenty minutes drive, actually, was enough to be standing in his old neighborhood. He had been too lucky for it not to happen before. But he never imagined that it would be this way, the truth being so exposed.

 

Saturday welcomed them with no clouds and a warm weather. Mehdi was at home, busy with the things that he needed to pack. Thibaut and Chris were enjoying of a lazy day together, just staying in bed and watching movies. Bertrand and Pedro were at work. And Xavier had the day off. So, what could he do?  
Gaspard had appeared at his door a few hours ago, claiming that he didn't even wanted to picture what Chris and Thibaut meant by "watching movies". Xavier laughed at that, mildly focused on the project that he was finishing, because Gaspard didn't really know how nervous Thibaut used to feel when they were talking about sex. Honestly, they both felt uneasy about it. Not that they didn't want to do it. But it was kind of an unkown ground for them. He remembered that time when Thibaut and him were younger and curious, deciding to watch porn together, twenty minutes later stopping the movie because of how painful it seemed to be and how uncomfortable they were with that. He made a face while thinking about it, hiding behind his hair while leaning closer to the paper to check a line that he didn't like. Gaspard raised an eyebrow at him from the window where he was smoking a cigarette, but Xavier shook those things out of his head, trying to ignore the fact that it would probably happen soon.

They finally decided to go out for a walk. Just enjoying Paris in a warm, windy day.  
Later, Xavier and Gaspard sat on the grass in a park, their backs against an old tree. Xavier rested his head in Gaspard's shoulder, the latter stroking his arm, lazy and almost unconsciously, as if he couldn't help but touching him, at least in the softest way, at all the time.  
Everything was calm, too calm. Not much to worry about. It was new and strange and that feeling in the pit of Xavier's stomach didn't want to disappear.  
The breeze messed with their hair, while the grass at their feet danced, leaning at an angle. Xavier found himself distracted and didn't really hear Gaspard babbling about wearing hair ties. He came back to earth when he felt a hand caressing his cheek.

\- Still feeling a little worried?

\- Yeah, I'm sorry. - Xavier cocked his head to meet Gaspard's touch and kissed his fingertips, his gaze still unfocused. - I guess I'm not used to have so much peace.

\- You just need to relax. - Gaspard said with a smile. - Here... - He tapped his lap with his hands. - Rest your head.

Xavier did what he was told and closed his eyes, letting himself go, feeling how Gaspard played with his hair with one hand, and intertwined his fingers with his with the other. It was interesting to realize how those soft touches, that used to mess with his nerves, were now helping effectively to make him calm down. Gaspard's hands were something special, he thought, always doing the right thing, caressing his skin with the perfect measure of strength, soft as a feather. But what he loved the most were his lips and his eyes. Kissing him was as exciting as reassuring; it speeded up his heartbeat and filled him with a warm, cosy feeling. His gaze, on the other hand, was always peaceful, always understanding, welcoming. Sometimes he looked as if he wouldn't give a fuck about anything, but with a little of time Xavier understood that he was just distracted or simply a quiet person; that contrasted with Xavier's personality, therefore made them perfect for each other in a special way.  
An hour passed by with them not saying a word, mostly because Xavier fell asleep at some point. Gaspard took his chance to stare at him without the risk of making him feel self conscious. He let go of his hand to caress his arms ever so lightly, chuckling when Xavier smiled and whispered his name in his sleep. He allowed him to keep on dreaming until the sun started to go down. It didn't took much time, they woke up late that day and it was already afternoon when they walked out of Xavi's apartment.  
He leaned down, kissing Xavier and waking him up. The latter smiled and stretched, yawning, still resting on Gaspard's lap.

\- Wanna go buy some food and back to the apartment? It's getting late.

\- Sure. - Xavier answered with a sleepy voice.

They both stood up and walked to the market, hand in hand.

It's curious how little things, little decisions taken in a random moment, can change your life; and how in a split second, your heart can sink and your breath freeze in your lungs. An electric shock floods your veins, paralyzing you. Your brain, off guard, is not able to catch the moment and then understands everything too fast. It's a heartbeat lost, a rush of dizziness, and then adrenaline, fear, surprise.  
That's how Xavier felt when they were waiting for the light to change and, after giving Gaspard a quick kiss, he turned his head and saw her.  
That's the moment, you know that a lot of people have been there before, and for some of them it's not even the first time, but that doesn't make it less shocking.  
The fall is there, right in front of your eyes, you're running towards it, you will hit the ground at the botton of the abyss again, helplessly. Feels like your imminent destiny.

 

Gaspard didn't understand why suddenly Xavier's jaw almost hit the ground. Nor he understood why he looked so pale out of nowhere. He stared in the same direction as him and saw a woman, looking scandalised, disgusted and almost shaking. A little girl with brunette hair was standing by his side, holding hands with what looked like his big sister. That little girl had something in her eyes that felt familiar. She was pointing at them and telling something to her big sister. The teenager looked at her with a concerned look but, before she could even answer, the woman by their side said something to them, inaudible for Gaspard from where he was standing. The teen looked down, frowning. The little girl looked as if she would be about to cry. The light turned green, they started walking towards them without making eye contact. The teen kept her eyes glued to the ground, the woman looked at the opposite direction. The only one staring at them, actually at Xavier, was the little girl, who seemed to be dealing with an inner struggle. They three dodged them and kept on walking, Gaspard turned and his gaze met with the little girl's eyes. The woman grabbed her hand and mumbled something in her ear. She made a face and looked away.

Perplexed, he stared back at Xavier and found him almost in tears, staring down at the floor like that teenage girl and biting his lower lip so strong that it would probably bleed soon.

\- What's wrong? - Gaspard frowned and got closer to him. - Do you know them?

Xavier didn't answered, he tightened his grip on Gaspard's hand and covered his face with the other.

\- Come on, Xav. Talk with me.

He shook his head and remained silent for a minute, then looked up and, still without saying a word, he took a cigarette from his left pocket, lighted it and started walking towards the market with a really puzzled Gaspard by his side. Xavier never let go of his hand, as if it would be something necessary for him not to crumble.


	14. The growing space between you and me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, I'm sorry!

Xavier knew he was different from everyone else since he was a little kid. The feeling of being misplaced and lonely, lead him to ran a different life inside his head. So when he had the chance, he imagined a world where everyone was like him, a world where his family would accept how he really was. The only person who made a connection with him was Thibaut. So they were always apart from the rest of the kids. Because with no words they had already understood that they were alike. Though, he kept on feeling like he didn't belong in his own house. Because his parents would never be ok with him being different in the particular way he was. Everyday, in his mind he heard the reassuring, comprehensive words that his mother would never say. Therefore, when reality exploded in his face, his heart shattered while his fantasy fell to the floor and broke into a million pieces.

People tend to suppress things that, sadly, their hearts want to keep. So when they are having the best of the times and everything is alright, they have that feeling that something is not right. There are different levels of trauma, with time you forget the trivial things, the little moments of shame. But when your heart holds on tight to a really big problem, it's impossible to ignore it. 

You can't face everything but you can't live running away from everything neither. There are some issues that just need to be solved. For your own sake.

Again there are things that you can tolerate, overcome them and keep on moving. There are others that you can't. Being rejected by the people you love is one of them. It destroys you, messes with your head, makes you feel like you're not welcomed, like you don't belong anywhere, like you're not worth of being loved. And Xavier's heart held on to that for so long that it was already tattooed on his soul. His mom wasn't really his biggest problem, he could live with her hate, it wasn't the best, but solving that just wasn't his priority. The problem was that her rejection was the root of other things, it builded a wall between him and two persons that he loved, and that... Well, that was something that he couldn't just tolerate, something that opened the wounds in his chest every night. Wounds that didn't existed in a physical way, but that hurt as if they would be fresh and new, bleeding non stop, making him feel weak and tired.

The thoughts in his mind didn't allow Xavier to talk, he didn't want to cry so he started shushing all the painful words that echoed in his ears. He remained silent as they bought food, he didn't said a word as they walked back to his aparment.

 

Gaspard stopped insisting after a while, Xavier didn't ask him to go, so he figured he wanted him by his side. But it wasn't fair that he couldn't understand what was going on. Gaspard sighed and looked at his boyfriend after walking in.

\- Do you want me to make dinner? - A tiny nod. - Are you ok? - A little doubt and then another nod.

\- I... - Xavier's voice was a little raspy. - Would you mind if I go take a shower?

\- It's ok. - Gaspard smiled warmly and stepped closer. Xavier stared at him as Gaspard took his hand, falsely smiling back, his eyes cold as snow.

That was the moment when the reality of the situation slapped Gaspard in the face. After several conversations with Thibaut about Xavier, he had understood that, when something really bad happened, his first reaction was numbing his feelings, it was a natural thing, a survival mechanism. And the face that he was contemplating wasn't sad, it was empty, Xavier was shutting down. The adrenaline started running through Gaspard's veins, his heart pounding faster and faster against his rib cage. The fear of never knowing what was wrong, of never being able to help him, fell over his body. Suddenly he felt the urge to never release his hand, of hugging him with all of his strenght. This beautiful person had quickly become the most important one in his life and he needed to protect him.

_Please, don't do this. Don't start running away from me._

Gaspard wanted to say it out loud, but Xavier let go of his hand.

_I can help you, you don't have to suffer alone._

He stared down at the floor and the words got stuck in Gaspard’s throat.

_Please, don’t._

Xavier started walking towards the bathroom.

_I can make you feel better._

When the doorlock clicked, it felt as if there would be a sea between them.

 

Fifteen minutes passed by. The sound of the shower filled the bitter silence until a phone went off on the eating counter. Gaspard turned around from where he was cooking, he had secretly texted Pedro and Thibaut about what happened and was expecting a response. It was a text message from Pedro.

 

'I've talked with Thibaut. Come to your apartment after having dinner. You'll have your answers.'

 

Gaspard sighed. He didn't want to give up. Even if Xavier wasn't going to explain to him what was going on, he would find a way to be helpful. He stared at the bathroom door, frowning. He wished he could ignore the space growing between him and Xavier. This situation made him feel pain in places he didn't know he had.


	15. Falling down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I would like to remind you that these three new characters are not real and I chose their names pretty much randomly.

**“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.”  - Bob Marley**

 

 

There's something poetic and beautifully sad about crying under the rain or in the shower. Xavier was glad of not being sure if the drops of water falling across his cheeks were tears or not. But there was too much cold around him, even if the water was hot. That tender, warm feeling, that he used to have thanks to Gaspard, was forgotten. The flame was dying on his insides. The walls of ice protecting him again, but at the same time, tearing him apart. This was the only thing he knew to do to fight back his problems. He had to numb the feelings again. Although, numbing it all, could mean to lose it all too. Then he knew he was crying, he didn't want to lose the love that surrounded him now. But, then again, he didn't know what else to do. 

 

Gaspard was never one of those persons that pays attention to someone's decorations or pictures, but he did notice that Xavier had a couple of photos sticked to a wall on his bedroom. He must have glanced at one of them when passing by, but never really stopped to apreciate it properly. Now, after turning off the oven and being smoking at the window while waiting for Xavier to come out of the bathroom, he felt like he had the answer to why he thought he saw something familiar in that little girl's eyes. He silently walked towards the bedroom and found the door partially open. Good, he entered without making any noise, then turned on the light and tiptoed his way straight to said wall. He found the picture that he was looking for faster than he thought he would. There she was, the little girl, hugging Xavier who was three or four years younger than now. Now there was no doubt about what was wrong, because Xavier was cheek to cheek with her and being so close made their similarities evident. If she wasn't one of his sisters, at least she had to be part of his family. And if, in fact, she was his sister it meant that... The teenager and the woman probably were...

 

Later, that night, when he unlocked the door of his own apartment, he found it more crowded than he expected. Mehdi, Bertrand and Pedro were sitting on the couch, all of them talking in a lower tone while frowning. If Gaspard’s assumptions were right, Pedro was probably explaining to them what happened between Xavier and his family in the past.

At the opposite side, Thibaut and Chris were making coffee while discussing about something. Gaspard closed the door and all eyes were on him.

\- How are you? - Thibaut said, walking with four coffee mugs in his hands and resting them in the eating counter.

\- I'm ok... - Gaspard mumbled.

\- How's Xavier? - Pedro asked.

\- I don't know. - He walked past them and sat by the eating counter while rubbing his eyes with two fingers. - He told me he wanted to go to sleep. So I took my chance to leave and came here.

\- Can you tell us exactly what happened? - Chris said, sitting by his side.

Gaspard felt like he was being subjected to some kind of interrogatory, but he understood why they wanted to know. They all sat closer to him, some of them on the floor, some other by the eating counter. All of them silently listening as he talked. When he finished explaining everything, he made a long pause, but then he couldn't help himself, he had to ask.

\- I saw a picture of the little girl in Xavier's room. - Pedro stared at him. - That woman is his mother, isn't she? The girl and the teen are his sisters.

\- Yes. - Pedro answered, then he sighed. - Yes, they are.

Gaspard felt an ache on his chest. With the corner of his eye, he saw Mehdi sitting on the floor, running a hand through his face, then grabbing his head and looking down. He didn't knew how, but he immediately understood Mehdi's feelings; he wished he would have been here to help Xavier too, when everything started. 

\- I'm scared. - He admitted, Bertrand stood up and put a hand on his shoulder, Gaspard unconsciously rested his own hand above it. - I feel as if there would be a wall between us.

\- I know. - They all turned their heads to look at Thibaut, he had been so quiet that nobody noticed that he had walked away to sit on the couch. - That's what he always does. - His eyes were far away, staring at nothing at all. - Last time, It took me a lot to know what was wrong. He was distant... Cold. I told you, this is what happens when his family makes him remember that they don't accept him.

Gaspard sighed and stood up, he walked towards the window and lighted a cigarette.

\- Please don't get mad at him. - Thibaut voice was merely a whisper. - He never knew any other way to deal with this.

\- I'm not mad at him. - Gaspard stared out the window and noticed that Xavier's room had the light on. Of course he had lied, of course he couldn't sleep after what happened. - I'm just frustrated.

\- Listen. - Gaspard almost jumps out of surprise when he saw Mehdi so close to him. - I hate so much the fact that tomorrow morning I have to go back to America... And, honestly, I don't know you at all. - Mehdi stared at Xavier's window and shook his head when he noticed the same as Gaspard. - I'm not gonna be able to help him, but you... Without knowing it, you broke down that wall in the past, and I'm sure that you are gonna do it again.

\- I agree. - Chris added, nodding. - I understand why you're frustrated, we all are. But we are going to do everything in our hands to make him feel better, and you are our biggest hope.

Gaspard smiled a little, he wished he would've had friends like these in the past. The only one who had been always by his side was Bertrand. But, after all, thanks to his lack of good friends, he met Xavier, and he was thankful for that. Now he still had Bertrand and he was surrounded by these amazing guys.

Xavier could try to back away from him, he could raise a wall between them, he could make him feel like there was a sea separating them, but Gaspard would always stay close, would climb any wall and swim through any sea. He was no Prince Charming but he was someone who cared and who would never give up.

 

 

Three months passed by, Xavier never got better, Gaspard never stopped trying.

It was painful for everybody. They spent days and nights together, when Xavier didn't want to see anybody, discussing about what could they do. Mehdi called every week.

One paticular day, Gaspard collapsed on bed, sad and tired. Thibaut made a face, with a shoulder against the door frame, and crossed his arms.

\- What happened? 

Gaspard took his time to talk, his face buried in the pillows. Finally, he turned around and covered his eyes with the back of his arm.

\- I thought he was feeling better. But, it's been two days since he's not going to college. I was concerned, so I went to his apartment and knocked at the door. He asked who it was and, when I said it was me, he told me to go away. I insisted and he opened the door. He was crying and he screamed at me that he didn't want to see anybody. - Thibaut sat on the bed by his side. - He slammed the door in my face. - A single tear made his way down Gaspard's face and he clenched his teeth. - It's been months since the day this started. In all of this time, he hasn't truly smiled, not even once. And I'm trying, I'm not going to give up but he's making it so hard.

\- It's going to be ok. - Thibaut let himself fall over Gaspard, hugging him. This was a normal gesture by now. These last months they had become very good friends. The one always giving Gaspard his support, when coming back home exhausted, was Thibaut after all. Gaspard laid an arm around Thibaut's shoulders. - We are going to figure this out... Somehow.

\- I don't want to lose him. - He answered. - I think that... While my feelings for him grow stronger, what he feels for me is fading.

Thibaut wanted to tell him that that was not true, but he really didn't know. He was about to say something else to reassure him when his cellphone went off in the kitchen.

He stood up and walked out of the room. When he answered the call, the voice at the other end of it caused his heart to skip a beat.

\- Julie?


	16. Who knows best

People who feel frustrated about something, because they can't control the situation anymore, sometimes tend to feel pleasure when the object of their frustration is in pain. Makes them feel like they're teaching a lesson, because for them, this person, who is so little, so disgusting that it's no longer a person but a simple, pathetic object, deserves it. These “things” are under their control again when they are so destroyed that they are paralized, they can't advance in life... At least, until they are advancing again in the direction where the people who hurt them wants to. Control freaks, are often the worst kind of people that you can live with.  
Now, there are many kinds of control freaks.  
Some of them, are so pretentious, that they think they can have control without you noticing. But they have a big problem, they can control everything except themselves. And when they make enough mistakes, they lose the control over you, you go away, they lose.  
Other kind of control freaks are the ones that use violence to keep you at bay. But then again, when you find your way out, they lose the game.  
But the worst kind is the one that messes with your head. They are smart. They know you so well, that even when you find your way out, they still have power. You're still the puppet on their string. How? There are many ways, but the most deathly one is, maybe, to deprive you of what you love the most.  
You don't need a gun to hurt people, you only need to know them, to observe them for enough time and shoot your words or your actions, with sufficient precision to touch a nerve. If you shoot right to the heart, there's little to no possibilities for them to survive your attack.  
But in a world where anything can happen, "little to no possibilities" is more than enough to have hope.

 

There are no shadows without light. There is no present without a past. If you keep that in mind, nor the past, nor its shadows can beat you. But, it's so easy to give up and so hard to keep on going.  
There are days where you can only hope to survive.  
When you're depressed, you can't remember what made you smile yesterday, and you don't believe that anything will make you smile tomorrow.  
There's no such thing as numbing your feelings, it's impossible, it's a lie.  
These past months, all he could do was waking up in the morning and start reminding himself to do things:  
Get out of bed.  
Eat something.  
Go to college.  
Keep on breathing.  
Walk.  
Work.  
Talk.  
If you don't kill yourself today, maybe someday you'll wake up and you won't have to remind yourself to live.

It felt like going back to the time where he hadn't met Gaspard. He didn't know if he had lost the ability of numbing it all or if he ever had it. Maybe it was Gaspard's fault, or rather his own fault. It was probably his. He allowed him to come in, he allowed Gaspard to make him feel warm inside. He allowed him to melt the ice little by little. He was mad with himself. He wanted to walk away, he wanted to run, to escape. That's why he stopped going to college, and truth to his words, Gaspard allowed him to back away until he felt like coming back. But that afternoon he probably just wanted to know if he was ok, and Xavier closed the door in his face. God! He felt so guilty, Gaspard was a wonderful person. Xavier just didn't appear to have born to share his life with anybody.

Nobody loves a broken person. At least, that's what he believed.

 

Life can be a living hell for weeks, or months, or years. But as easy as you can feel sad, you can feel happy. It's true. No matter how long you've been suffering, one little change can make the difference. Sometimes, the change happens in your own mind, and sometimes, the people around you is the key. A rainy day can become a sunny day, and vice versa, in a matter of hours, just hours. Weather is as unpredictable as life. Not everything is lost. Gaspard knew this, and he held on tight to that fact.  
There was a new hope. They were all relieved of knowing that the wind was in their favor now.

Xavier wanted to apologize. Next day, he went to college hoping to find Gaspard sitting on his usual spot in the classroom, looking outside the window as always.  
For the first time in months, he smiled a little while thinking in the light of the sun creeping through the window and illuminating Gaspard's face, making his curls look like gold and his eyes like emeralds. But, when he got to the classroom, Gaspard wasn't there, and even stranger was that nor Thibaut, nor Chris were there either. What had happened?

 

Let's talk about brothers and sisters. Their basic instinct is to protect one another. Of course, not in every case. But in most of them, no matter how much the coexistence makes them argue, they love each other.  
Julie had only acted based on her instincts, but now she knew she needed to do more.

 

Gaspard was sitting on the couch as he heard the muffled sound of Julie's words in the other room. Thibaut and Chris were listening to her story, but for some reason Gaspard couldn't find his way into the room and into that world.  
He had arrived home when they were already there. All he knew was that Julie, along with her little sister, had skipped school to come here.

Gaspard heard the door of the room opening and closing again.

\- Excuse me. - He turned his head. That little girl was standing by the sofa with her school uniform on.

He took a long breath. She was only a child.

\- Can I help you? Are you thirsty or... Hungry?

She shook her head. Her long, black locks dancing around her face while she was staring at the floor. Shy.

\- Can I ask you a question? - She mumbled. Gaspard answered with a weak "yes". - Are you... - She trailed off, raising her head and staring.

She had exactly the same eyes as her big brother, deep brown and huge, so huge that you could get lost in them.

\- Are you Xavier's boyfriend?

Gaspard's mouth became a straight line.

\- I don't know anymore.

She shifted his weight from one foot to the other, uneasy. As if that wasn't the answer she was looking for.

\- Why? - She stepped closer to him.

\- I think he doesn't want me in his life anymore. - He didn't know why he was being so honest with a little girl, but for some reason it felt right.

She sighed and Gaspard frowned.

\- C-can I sit next to you?

\- Sure.

She took the last steps towards the couch and sat by his side. The look on her face made Gaspard feel sad, no kid should be so concerned about adult's things.

\- I-I... I know Xavier can be really stubborn. He likes... He likes to be a bother and attacks you with pillows when you're distracted. And... - She looked up at the ceiling, narrowing her eyes and trying to think. - And sometimes... When his eyes look sad, he smiles but then... If you ask him what's wrong, he tells you to go away and leave him alone. - She stared down at her hands in her lap, making a pause. Her little feet swinging, not even close to being able to reach the floor. Then she turned to look at him. - B-but he's good. He... He reads stories to you at night if you can't sleep and plays the piano for you if you're crying 'cause boys tell you bad things at school. - He smiled a little at that. She bit her lower lip, frowning in deep thought. - I think... I think you're good too.

Gaspard remained silent for one second. Staring at her. His smile widened.

\- What's your name? I'm Gaspard.

\- Sophie.

\- Sophie... What makes you think I'm good?

She looked down at her lap again.

\- You know when we saw you two that day? I told you... I know when his eyes look sad. He smiles but his eyes don't smile. - She shrugged a little. - Before he left home, his eyes never smiled. And whenever he came to visit it was the same.

\- Really? – Gaspard felt something tightening in his chest, a deep sadness but at the same time a deep feeling of fondness for this little girl. She nodded.

\- But, when we saw you that day. He was so different. His eyes were bright and he was smiling, and holding your hand. You made him happy.

There was a long silence. Gaspard stared outside the window towards Xavier's apartment, now probably empty. When he turned again he got alarmed because Sophie had her eyes full of tears.

\- What-What's wrong?!

\- It's my fault... I couldn't say hi to him. She didn't allow me to say hi to him. He thinks I hate him. - Sophie stifled a sob and closed her eyes, rubbing one of them with the palm of her little hand. - Xavi is sad again because I couldn't say hi and I'm sorry.

Gaspard felt a heavy weight falling over him, a deep rage against Xavier's mother. And he had no clue about how to reassure a child, let alone a child who have been feeling guilty about something like this for months.

\- No! No... Listen. - He rested a hand over the one that she still had on her lap. The size difference was so noticeable he felt like a giant. - It's not your fault. You're only a child. Kids shouldn't have to be in the middle of these situations.

\- I don't hate him. - Sophie said. - She says he's different and that that's bad. But I don't think that way. He has been always like that and he's the best brother.

Gaspard made a pained face, everything starting to be clear.

\- You're so smart. Kids at your age aren't that smart. - He squished her little hand. - I know you feel bad about what happened, but your sister is here to help us make him feel better. - Sophie nodded. - You can help him too.

She stopped crying and turned to look at Gaspard with her puffy eyes wide open.

\- I can?

\- Yeah, you can show him that you love him. I know... There's nothing that would make him feel happier than that.

She took a deep breath.

\- And you?

Gaspard imitated her and took a deep breath too.

\- I will never give up on him.

\- You promise? - Sophie asked, cleaning her tears with the sleeve of her school uniform.

Gaspard smiled again, he wanted to cry because this little kid had just attacked his heart in the most beautiful way.

\- I promise.

Sophie returned him the smile and grabbed his hand.

\- Thank you.


	17. Finally

**"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. Not even our troubles." - Charles Chaplin**

 

Xavier walked through the campus under the warm embrace of the sun. He crossed the gates, making his way out of college, and stepped in a corner waiting for the light to change. The brightness of the day made him narrow his eyes, and eventually he closed them for a second, trying to adjust to it. When he opened them again he was staring at his own self, standing across the street, wet and grey, like a memory seen from a different angle. But this other Xavier wasn't staring back at him; he was scanning the people surrounding him and stopping briefly on the person by his side: Gaspard, or rather an unknown red haired guy, interesting, mysterious, and attractive in a way that went beyond the physical, even if he was indeed cute.

A stare that lasted seconds but somehow got burned in his memory. An almost non-existent spark.

The day before love.

Xavier blinked a few times, coming back to reality, confused by the sudden memory of the first day he saw Gaspard. Five minutes later, he was standing at the bus stop. His mind still roamed over what he could remember about that day, that first moment, that first sight of him. Looking back, it felt as if he would be watching everything through someone else's eyes. He felt so different, almost unwelcomed in his old way of contemplating things. An extremely vivid image, loud in his ears, but so far away. A whole different world, separated from him by a thin line. Like resting his hand against the glass of an aquarium. At the other side a huge shark, staring at him. Its mouth wide open so he could see the sharp teeth, making him remember the time when they hurt him. Threatening, but not really... Not anymore, not caged like that.

It clicked in his mind so fast he almost felt it like a slap in the face.

 

 

\- You can't get him out of your mind.

Gaspard jumped a little and his half-smoked cigarette slipped from his fingers, falling through the window. He turned around and Julie was giving him an apologetic look.

\- I-I'm sorry. What did you say? - He stammered out. Nervous. He was still not used to her presence.

\- Xavier... You've been staring at his window for the last half hour. - Julie replied, his lips forming a tight line. - Thibaut told me... - She got closer and leaned against the window frame, facing him. - He slammed the door in your face.

Gaspard sighed, looking down.

\- It was probably my fault. He didn't want to see anybody, but I insisted. - He took another cigarette and she politely asked for one with a hand gesture. He gave it to her while talking. - I was worried.

\- It wasn't your fault. - Julie lighted her cig and offered her lighter to him.

He smiled a little, her body language was so similar to Xavier's, much more than Sophie's body language. Probably because Julie had spent more years of her life living with her brother than her younger sister. Then again, could be the same gestures that her mother used. A wave of rage made him take a couple of deep breaths to make it go away. Mind always takes this kind of paths, betraying you. After his conversation with Sophie, a single thought about Xavier's mom immediately made him angry.

\- Xavier is complicated, but I don't think that's his fault either. - Julie said, exhaling the smoke between words. - He was never able to express himself. He used to talk with me. But it was impossible with my mom always watching, always close... In the end he learnt to deal with things on his own, so I wouldn't get in trouble. Thibaut was someone he could talk with, but never someone who could help him inside our house.

\- You could have done something earlier. – She stared down and Gaspard immediately backpedaled. - I'm not... I didn't mean it to sound like I'm accusing you of anything, I'm sorry.

\- You should, though. I know it's true. But you have no idea how it is to live with her. – She shook her head. – You have no idea.

Gaspard thought about her conversation with Sophie and something came to his mind.

\- She was always there. - He blurted out. Julie raised her eyebrows. - Pedro said she doesn't allow you to meet out of the house and she was never at home when Xavier wanted to visit. - Gaspard stared at Xavier's window again. - But she was always there, listening. That's why you could never say anything to him. That's why you didn't go to school today, she thinks you're there right now. – He turned to look back at her. - Right?

Julie smiled sadly.

\- You're a smart person... Gaspard. - She finished her cigarette and tossed it out the window. - I like you a lot.

And, with that, she left. Looking for Sophie in the other room where she was playing with Chris and Thibaut.

 

 

Xavier got to his apartment and he stopped at the door. He wanted to check on Thibaut and the guys but he was afraid they would be mad at him. He behaved like an asshole for months with them. Maybe they were just having a day out and they didn't try to call him, assuming he would say no. After all he had declined most of their offers of going out to have some fresh air or just hung out together. He even dismissed lots of their calls.

He sighed and opened the door.

\- Hello.

He went rigid. Julie was sitting on the couch. He wanted to ask how she had even gotten inside but he was in shock.

\- Hope you don't mind I asked Thibaut the keys of your apartment. - She smiled warmly. - I've got a surprise for you.

\- Xavi!! - Sophie came out from behind the couch, where she was hiding, and ran towards him.

The sight of her got Xavier on his knees and she hugged him strong enough to take the breath out of his lungs. Though, he couldn't care less about that. The warmth inside his body grew from his stomach to his chest and he hugged her back, closing his eyes, burying his face in her long locks of hair that smelled like strawberry shampoo. He couldn't help it; he had a soft spot for her, the softest of all.

\- We need to talk. - Julie said when he finally looked up, pleading for an explanation with his gaze. She stood up and got closer, kneeling on one knee and resting her forehead against his. Sophie wouldn't let him go. - You need to know everything. I can't keep on lying to you. I thought I was protecting you, but now I know I was wrong.


	18. You know, you live, you love

**"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone. We find it with another." - Thomas Merton**

 

In a rush of daydreams, life goes by. We have to wake up, smile to our troubles and take risks. Even if the adrenaline fills our veins, if the heart beats like crazy in a mad attempt of escaping fear.

When the unknown looks at you in the eye, when the step has been taken, there's answers, new questions and, finally, a life to live.

 

But, what makes life worthwhile after all?

Basically, whatever it is that you **love** and makes you **happy**.

 

 

 

\- Did she talk with him? - Mehdi was biting his nails; Pedro could hear the anxious tone in his voice at the other end of the line.

\- Yes, he is alone at his apartment now. But she called and told me that he's feeling better. Guess he just needs some time to think.

\- We won’t know anything until tomorrow then.

\- I guess so… - Pedro sat by the table and smiled. - Don't worry. Everything will be ok from now on. I'll call you as soon as I know something about him. Ok?

\- Ok. - Mehdi sighed. - Good night.

\- Good night. - He hung up, staring at his dinner, then he stood up and left his untouched plate on the counter.

Something was still bugging him.

 

 

 

He was sitting on the bed. Thibaut, by his side, had a protecting arm around his shoulders.

\- Gaspard, it's gonna be ok. - His voice was a soft whisper, as if he would be afraid of waking up someone sleeping nearby.

\- What if it's not? What if it's never ok? - Gaspard looked up at ceiling. - What if he doesn't want me by his side anymore?

\- No, I'm sure he'll want to talk and fix everything. - Thibaut lied, he didn't really know.

Xavier hadn't had any relationship in the past. Let alone have one where all of these would happen. He didn't have any idea of how Xavier would usually behave when having a boyfriend.

But, on the other hand, that wasn't exactly bad.

\- Hey, listen to me. – Gaspard shook his head and covered his face with his hands. – Stop that, listen. Xavier never allows anyone to get inside his heart; you're the first person who made him think he could be happy with someone else. - He kept on whispering. - That has to mean something.

Gaspard sighed. 

\- I know… - He stared at his friend for a while. - Let's hope you're right.

 

 

It was a bright morning, the brightest of them all apparently. The sun creeping through the window woke him up. His body was all warm, the sheets felt soft and cozy. But he didn't want to stay in bed. Full of energy, he rose up and stretched his back. The city outside waking up with him. Yesterday kept on playing in his mind and he smiled. For the first time in years he was light as a feather. He didn't even feel like having breakfast.

There were some important things he had to do.

Pedro's shop was closed and it was strange because at this hour it was always open. Ok, maybe he overslept. He sent him a text message but got no answer. Shrugging, he walked a few steps, passing by Bertrand's shop and turned to his left to the little alley, while humming a tune that he couldn't get out of his mind. He took the stairs that lead to the door that he had known for years and had a key of, he opened and went inside the hallway that had only two more doors: Pedro's and Christopher's apartments. Out of habit, he went inside without knocking and called for Pedro. When he had no answer he went to his bedroom, but found it empty.

He was beginning to worry when his phone went off inside his pocket. He took it and stared at the screen. New message from Thibaut. What was he doing texting him this early? He should be at college.

When he opened the text he got no answers but more questions.

 

_He's not there. Come to my apartment._

 

What in the world was happening? He stood still for a moment, re-reading the message and finally decided that he wasn't going to get any answers just staying there, so it was better doing as he was asked and discover what their friends were up to.

 

 

 

\- Bonjour, mon petit! - Chris greeted him when Xavier opened Thibaut's door. He was already raising his arms, asking for a hug.

Christopher was laying on the couch, the sun creeping throught the window made his blue eyes shine so much Xavier thought they could project light reflections on the walls. He was in a good mood enough that instead of asking what was going on he just smiled and let himself fall over Chris, giving him his hug.

Thibaut and Pedro laughed at the eating counter and Bertrand raised his eyebrows, amused.

Only then Xavier noticed their presence. But he took his time just savoring the fact that aparently they weren't mad at him. Though, eventually the guilt made him stand up and walk towards them. He took a long breath and stared down at the floor.

\- I'm sorry. - He said simply.

Pedro got closer and raised his head with a gentle finger on his chin. 

\- Why?

\- I did it again. I ran away from you.

\- Yes, you're an asshole.

Xavier's lips formed a tight line.

\- But we love you. - Pedro beamed and Xavier melted a little. -  And we understand.

\- Julie explained everything to me. I can't believe you guys did all of that to make me happy.

\- Xavier... - Thibaut walked around the eating counter and stood by his side, resting his forehead on his cheek. - You have to understand that we will always be here for you. You have to understand... That we can help.

\- I know. - He couldn't stop himself, he hugged him, resting his chin on his shoulder and doing his best not to cry. - Everything looks so different now. I won't do it again, I swear.

Bertrand sighed from where he was sitting.

\- It's not that. - He said, and Xavier turned to look at him. - You can have time on your own, everyone needs it from time to time. What you have to see is that you have friends that care about you and that you don't need to face your problems all alone. We are here, me included, of course. And, when you feel like the world is falling down on you, you have to remember that.

\- God! When did we became this corny? – Chris joked, still on the couch.

\- Oh. Shut up. - Thibaut answered and they laughed.

The atmosphere easy and calm. The whole apartment smelled like coffee and Xavier's stomach made a noise, protesting about being empty.

\- You haven't eaten anything, have you? - Pedro sighed. - Come on. Lets have breakfast. We need to talk about something important. 

Xavier nodded but then it dawned on him.

\- Gaspard, isn't it? - He whispered, sadly.

Chris made a noise while standing up.

\- Don't worry. We'll figure this out together.

 

 

 

There was a lonely bench. In the middle of the roof. On that lonely bench lay a lonely guy. His long curls dancing with the wind, his eyes closed and his head resting above his crossed arms. A metal band t-shirt, some old worn out jeans and white sneakers. He wasn't sleeping but he wished he could. It had been a long night full of sighs and perhaps even a little bit of tears.

Everything was silent. The streets aparently lacking people. In the distance, a bird flied away, the wind flowed through the leaves, the city waited in an uncommon but reassuring peace. Near him, another guy stares. Messy black hair caressing his face, teeth bitting his lower lip ever so lightly. A breeze shyly passed by, sending the scent of his cologne towards the place where the other one rested. The latter opened his eyes, recognizing the familiar smell that had filled his lungs so many times before.

He stood up and turned around slowly.

\- Xavier. - The name bittersweet on his tongue, but soft in his tone. - What are you doing here?

\- I need... – His voice raspy. He cleared his throat. - We need to talk. I want to apologize.

Gaspard didn't say anything so he kept on talking.

\- I should have never slammed the door in your face. - Xavier unconsciously took a step forward. - And I should have told you what was wrong. - Another step forward. - And I'm sorry I'm broken, and stupid, and don't know how to ask for help when I need it. Gaspard, I... - He trailed off, staring at the taller man who was getting closer until they were a breath apart. - I... I'll understand if you don't want to see me anymore.

A long pause, heavy over them, made his heart ache with anticipation, fighting back tears.

This could be the end.

\- I could never. - Gaspard whispered and just like that the world no longer weighed tons on his shoulders. - You are the most important person in my life. I told you, I want to be there for you. - Gaspard caressed Xavier's arm with silky fingers, from his elbow to his wrist and stopped there, staring down. - I want to protect you, to make you smile when you're sad and caress your skin while you sleep. I'm not giving up on you. Not now, not ever... - His hand fell to his side and he stared back up, their eyes met and Xavier was sunddenly longing for the words forming on Gaspard's tongue. - Because I love you.

Xavier opened his mouth in disbelief, never in his life someone told him that, and for the first time ever he understood he felt exactly the same.

He wanted to say it out loud. But then he got stuck. The words, a dry river in his throat. Because saying it didn't seem enough. Words are not feelings, they are the shell, the title of the indescribable. Like trying to make a bunch of people have an idea of the size of the universe by simply giving them a quantitative measure; they may say they get it, but they are not even beginning to understand it (plus that's kind of impossible). They have no idea. And right now, just saying 'I love you too' felt like doing the same thing. Gaspard would have a glimpse, a vague sence of what Xavier felt for him, but in reality it was so much more. The warmth was so overwhelming that it could burn him alive. The feelings were so strong that they could crush him. And yet they made him feel so light.

Free, finally.

It’s a thousand stars bursting. A miles long trip through the unattainable, the unknown and foreign, the untouchable. Unforgettable and beautiful, for the fragility of its nature.

Kisses, and touches, and actions. Smiles in the morning and long hugs at night. Drifting into sleep, traveling in dreams, while your body feels protected between the arms of that person.

Stares that talk about poetry and songs. Melodies about everything and anything at all. So armonic, so perfect, so bright. Sweet and bitter, in agreements and fights. The adrenaline in the pit of your stomach.

Jumping off a cliff expecting for the other to catch you at the bottom. To make you feel safe, when you have been on the edge.

 

And yet.

After the absurdity of it all.

Possible.

 

Because it’s in your veins, in your thoughts, in your soul. Makes a mess in your head.

Leaves the reason aside and there’s nothing but your instincts.

 

Ruled by them, Xavier silently took him by the hand, raising it to his chest and placing it above his heart.

Gaspard held his breath, the pulse under his fingertips ran frantically. They stared at each other for a solid minute; the time it takes for the heart of a hummingbird to beat 1260 times, the time it takes for a new born to breathe around 44 times...

He got lost in Xavier's eyes. Inside them, riddles were being solved, the wounds were mere scars, the past was finally in the past, the present was the gift of a divine force, and the future... It was unpredictable, but it didn't matter anymore, as long as they were together.

With a smile, he hugged him.

Then they kissed.

Then they laughed.

Because they knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end!!! (And it had no sex at all, which wasn't in the plans!) 
> 
> Thank you so so so much for reading this fic! 
> 
> It was a really reflexive journey. I learnt a lot about myself while writing it.
> 
> I love you all and again thank you! 
> 
> p.d.: I would be really happy if you could give me some constructive critics. Please don't kill me because of the grammatical errors. English isn't my native language and I'm still learning.


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